01.16.05 - 6:42 a.m.

the thing is, sometimes i just feel like being alone. And when i say alone i dont mean temporarily. When i say alone i mean, me and just me...my friends of course, but finally, just me...breathing all of the breath in the room to be had. Sometimes that is the only thing in the world that i want. I think about the most in the shower which seems to be one of the last vestiges of the way that i used to be and i suppose that should be of some comfort the fact that after d and s, i am still and always a nightime shower. That even though i stay up until 7 am so that we can sit indian style on the trundle bed and figure out why the sex between us is the only wrong thing when sex is the only thing that keeps 25 and 30 year olds together. And it started to meld, it all started to meld. The fact that i cant come started to sweep into d before i knew it and the little package that i had kept duct taped inside my head throughout this entire relationship was taken off the shelf and i started to cry. S might as well have not even been there and in fact i was surprised when he hugged me and assured me that when i told him that i couldnt come and what was wrong with me that it was something that was going to be "ok." That after two rapid months of dating with perfection and ease that something was bound to go wrong. In the meantime he said things that felt sharp and unnecessary, but maybe true.

The thing is, we are so good to each other that neither of us can break up with the other.

How can you break up with a man who takes your hand in his in the middle of the night when you are both fast asleep?

How can i break up with a man who turns off the alarm, makes my coffee just like i like it which is nothing like the way he likes it, and brings it to bed, waiting beside me until i am finished so that he can set it on the nightable?

And we kept asking each other. Do you want to break up? Do you? Do you? Back and forth, just waiting for someone to say yes.

And how often have i typed these emails after being up all night getting overwhelmed while my boyfriend snores in the background?

I wish for my own space again.

But i love him maybe.

Do you really "know" when youre in love with someone like everyone says? My mom told me once that she trusts everything that comes out of my fathers mouth. THAT is love.

How in fucks sake do you get that?

And he is unbearably cute. I want to be kissing him ALL the time.

And we finally talked about sex and what the hell the problem was. It seems to be some combination of the following stated and connected facts:

1) Once, when we were standing naked in the kitchen, i told him that it worried me that i couldnt come. He registered it with some defensiveness, we talked around it, and that was the last of it. Apparently that was not the last of it. It injured his impossibly juvenille and self centered male ego, becoming less about me, and ALL about what he was doing wrong. Thus, our problems with sex are my fault even though i am willing and more than ready 24 hours a day.
2) He is not financially capable of taking me to nice dinners.
3)I am "redefining everything i thought i knew about the clitoris."
4) he is stressed about his worklessness.

[on a side note, it is amazing to me that you can actually TASTE the tar in marlboro reds]

These four issues began their chicken race towards my aforementioned duct taped box, leading finally to this question:

do you think youre ready for me?

What do i say to that?

He hasnt done anything wrong?

How do you let go of a man that walks on the outside of the sidewalk, squeezes my hand when i dont see the walk sign turn to stop, calls before he says hes going to, stays up to talk my friends out of bad relationships.

but i dont trust him.

i dont.

when he says he loves me i dont believe him.

i am staying with him until myself is fixed. i am waiting for this love i dont believe him to talk me into faith.

unfair.

obviously i need to reclaim some space for myself.

obviously i need to start excercising and stop going to bed at 7 am and waking up to cigarettes and On Demand.

i want to find kate again to see if we still fit.

and i dont think we will which is why ive let her go.

as i cried stupidly and he held me i wondered if he brought it up to test me, if he fought with me to test me. As he made perfect sense with his hands on my shoulders and his eyes falling into mine i thought about him as my lamaaze coach, and i thought about telling him that i needed him to leave so that i could breathe.

what sense does this make?

the sun is coming up.

i am exhausted all the time.

i cant keep doing this, but when i stop, we stop and so i trudge on, waiting.

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