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01.23.05 - 3:34 p.m. why? when everything else is so good is the sex so so so so so sos os bad. i have given up thinking that its me goddammit. panting on top of me is not cuddling and sonambulistically fingering me is NOT my idea of foreplay. and its making me feel physically violent. when he fell asleep fingering me last night i went to take a shower, the shower gel fell on my toe and i kicked it with a violence that i havent felt in a long time. it careened through the shower curtain knocked down my calendar AND the listerine (those bottles are heavy) and crashed through the door. i was so irrationally mad. why cant anyone fuck me like i need to be fucked. and it makes me so mad and i cant put myself on the shelf enough to not make it apparant and i am trying not to make a big deal out of it but it is really starting to piss me off. i mean. really, really, starting to make me mad. i keep getting thwarted and i am starting to feel like a starving infant with a bottle continually put to her lips and then taken away. � 
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