|
|
09.15.08 - 11:21 p.m. ive been feeling a little sad and overwhelmed lately, and as i dont really write anymore, this seems to be the place to go. Over the summer i kinda got over the place where i was only writing in a diarrhea of the soul kind of way, but since school i have fallen back prey to not writing at all. Excuses for a life that feels scary to live. Dan and i move in just a few weeks and i feel insecure about that. I feel insecure about school and i realize that there are about fifteen things that im not going to be able to get my head around in time for the move. The physicality of the move itself is scary. Im worried about packing up this place that i have lived in for so long--mostly i am just scared of how hard its going to be to figure out what goes and what can stay, etc. I cant decide whether or not i could have a yard sale. I would love to get rid of/get money for a lot of this stuff, but i dont know where i would have it. Also, im feeling like i cant go to the bathroom without asking someone for help with something. This is sort of an unusual situation for me. Im just feeling so insecure with everything. School is really tough and i am feeling like i am losing some of whatever natural/inherent teaching quality i had and now i am just feeling like im double guessing myself ALL the time. Being like that is very time consuming. (also, as a byproduct, i only really feel comfortable when i am with dan or someone else that i love.) Im very nervous about the college's behemothic State School-ness. It feels SO easy to get lost in the system if youre not always 100% on top of everything. And this is a struggle for me because I am really having to work harder at trying to stay on top of things. Now im working hard on staying on top of things in a brand new place with my boyfriend--ALSO something i thought i would never do. I guess this is the feeling of going through a lot of changes all at once. I felt SO exhausted all day today, like it was a struggle to make it from the bedroom to the bathroom. Also, i have a smallish case of the Sunday Night Blues. I know i always feel better when i am actually at school and in the groove. But the grading is getting ready to start coming in and then i am going to be moving everything and the idea of something not getting lost seems impossible. I also feel strangely separated from dan. I know he is going through a lot with this move and i am having a hard time sharing the struggle. The repercussions of this is that we are not really talking about the move at all which makes me feel more nervous. His reaction to the stress is to really get into it just like i do and so were both not excited and both feeding each others stress. I dont really know what there is to do about this. I dont feel like i can deal with all of my own shit and dans as well and i think we are both kind of putting ourselves on emotional hold until we are there and inside and moved and things arent feeling so threatening and uncertain. Im so ready to have it over with and i really want to try to not be so threatened by it. Live the question as our friend says. It is hard to stay positive though with the idea of all that could go wrong! and this is what dan and i do. This is one negative he has given me--we are, now, both so scared of all that could go wrong. But, i guess the moral of the story is that we ARE doing it...regardless of our collective and individual fear, we are doing it. � 
|