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03.09.08 - 11:20 p.m. I have been feeling sort of down lately. Though, i guess that is really nothing extraordinary. But then, on the other hand, i am feeling sort of excited about dan, which--god--feels like the worst thing i could say. I do feel like i have kind of let things go while i have been with him for the last year and a half. There is the fat thing for one thing. There is that and there is the fact that i dont seem to be moving forward much. I seem to be just kind of going, not really moving forward, but moving. On the one hand i feel really busy, but on the other hand i feel like i waste a lot of time. I want to be one of those people who does things for themselves, but on the other hand, i dont really feel like doing those things. I know that i need to go home soon, but i dont feel like going home. I feel like going home but i feel like being with dan now that we are both on a break from school. I want a full time job, but i dont know where i want it. I want to go with dan, but i am afraid to trust going with dan. Every brief now and then i feel like my life is so much better with him in it and i am scared of that, but i believe in that and i work under that presumption. I know that he will help me, i feel like he is with me. Sometimes i see him doing things for himself and it reminds me that i need to be doing that as well. I guess its like the blumster says, that therapy is like a light in a dark room...sometimes, at good times, i feel that way about dan. I feel like he locates me and i cant decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Man, i forget sometimes, how good writing feels. Literally how good it feels to have your fingers moving like this, pretty rapidly, relaying information that is somewhere digitized in your head. Its just so amazing. Stoner, but amazing. Is it bad that dan locates me? It was so nice to tell him that i love him tonight and that he was right in front of his friends, and he says, he loves me too. Not embarrassed or shy, but as if it is a fact now and it is a fact. Still, it is clear that something is missing. It is clear that there is something in my heart that is not filled and i dont know if it will ever be filled and i am almost certain that it cant be filled by dan or by anyone. And we are all about filling in these holes, but maybe its not so necessary to fill in the holes. Maybe its not just another thing on a to do list. A list that i constantly keep and never seem to finish. I feel that way about myself...like i am a to do list and everyday the list grows, but i never seem to cross anything off of it. And i know that i spend a whole lot of time talking about how i need to spend more time doing a or b or c, but i dont usually do it. I guess, sometimes, i feel like the definition of spinning my wheels. I do feel some satisfaction from the idea that i am doing SOME things that are seen as productive to society as a whole. I do have a job, several jobs in fact, but the thing is...i just acclimate to things so easily. This teaching at the different school thing sucks, but, whatever, i am almost already used to it. I kind of like the idea that i make my money with, essentially, no one even noticing. I like being under the radar, even though being under the radar can be very lonely. Dan has been gone a lot lately. To oregon for his interview, and now hes pennsylvania for the night with his friends. I was by myself friday and sunday night and thats pretty unusual for me. This morning, dan spoke of how easy it is to take someone for granted when you are with them all the time, and it is true that everytime he comes back from being away, it is clear that he missed me. It was so nice to hear him tell me that he was missing me, that he doesnt want to be anywhere without me, that he doesnt want to do anything on his own and that he wants me as his teammate. But, then, of course i wonder if all of this is true, what is taking him so long? He has this idea that you should be with someone for five years before you get engaged, which i can sort of understand, but i _sometimes_dont thin that i want to wait another five years before i am engaged. I think i want to marry him. I think he is a one. I think we could live the rest of our lives together, but there is still this weird chord in me that makes me think of home and the lessons i was taught and how this kind of move is trouble and "If my sister is good enough to live with, then she is good enough to marry." And so, i will move with him to a place ive never been with really no guarantee at all. And i understand that people say that marriage isnt a guarantee either, but--i feel like it sorta is--otherwise people wouldnt be so terrified of getting into one. This blog feels to me a sort of metaphor for my life. Okay, here goes: I have been writing in this journal for five years now, no one knows where to find it except for a select few who are no longer interested in it. But i dont do it in microsoft word--i publish it, for the whole world, but no one looks at it. Its like i want to be seen, but that i dont want to be seen at all. This must mean something of how i dont pursue anything...i exist in it, but i dont pursue it. I acclimate. I acclimate to the world, only asking enough back to feel like i can continue acclimating. I get seen as much as it takes me to not be seen again. I also have five maps in my room, though i have never really been anywhere. I guess there is something about not wanting to commit, but wanting to remember, and in some ways participate in, the thing i dont want to commit to. There is one thing i know, i sure do love smoking. � 
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