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01.31.08 - 3:10 p.m. i dont know what is wrong with me today, but i am finding it completely possible to focus. I cant seem to get past the fact that i have a pack of cigarettes and no lighter and im at school and no one smokes anymore and this lame chick that i was in the writing program with somehow has a full time job while im stuck down here in the basement and all of a sudden i am hating my life. I am having a very sorry for myself day and all that i want to do is just go home, get stoned and just forget about the world but i dont seem able to do that because i have to go and teach and concentrate on the world and put things together for a class of yawning students and i am not sure how i am going to make it. Everything seems to be falling apart around me and its all because there is no money. I lost my car insurance and my health insurance and i just feel like such a loser because here i am at 28 years old and im totally lame. And i feel like i have gauze around my head and eyes, like i could sleep for a million years, like i can barely keep my eyes open for no reason at all. Things have got to change, but i dont really know how to change them. I feel helpless and i feel cold, too, for some reason. And i know that i am about to start my period, but that doesnt even seem like it matters at this point, but im sitting at the bus stop and its so sunny and so noisy and im talking to dan and i cant stop crying and now i want to cry but i cant because i have to go to class and i have to smoke a cigarette but i cant because i dont have a lighter and that seems to be a metaphor. No, its not a metaphor. It just is. This is my life lately. A pack of cigarettes and no lighter. Dans coming over tonight and i dont have time for him to come over. I have to plan class tomorrow and i have to do my laundry and the world keeps on happening, but i cant catch up and i only want to go to bed and when i get in bed i fall asleep like i havent slept in thirty years and i feel like i am sleeping all the time. And maybe i just need to make this a really good class so that i can go home and feel good. And thats part of it. Everything in my life feels like something i have to do before i can get home and go to bed. Or just sit in a chair. I feel excited when i am walking home because i dont have to be in the world anymore. Making decisions that i dont trust, spending all this time by myself and i cant locate myself. I feel like i am nowhere. And then, after all this bitching, i just feel stupid and empty and meaningless. But then i feel ridiculous for the level of self pity that i have reached and i just keep writing hoping that will make me feel better. Sometimes if i just hit the right combination of words, things get situated. Right now i want to curl up underneath this desk where it is dark and warm and erase myself from the picture for just a moment. I like to be home because its the only place where i feel, where my body feels comfortable and not tense and not on watch and not harassed. I almost wish i could just let go entirely. Just go good and crazy. But i know it would take so long to pick up the pieces that i am stuck leading this crap, mediocre life. The worst part of all of this, of course, is that i have brought it upon myself. By not being proactive enough, active enough, by privileging other things over being financially secure, and now life has come crashing in with its expectations and i feel like shit. Im not borrowing money from my folks, i just cant do it. Worst comes to worst i will have to borrow it from dan which i also dont want to do. Im tired. Im tired. Im tired. I guess its more than money. I guess its just feeling offended at the world but then feeling guilty for this feeling because i have it so much better than other people. Somehow, that fact makes everything i say here seem so inconsequential, and i am--indeed--so inconsequential and not in a self hating kind of way, but in a realistic kind of way. And i have no life preserver because i havent fashioned one for myself. I am poor and not getting any richer and i dont feel like being one of those people who "gets themselves out of trouble" because I am tired of being insecure and the poor one and i want to be rewarded for something, somehow. I feel like i should be rewarded just for making it through the day. And i am lucky to have dan, but hes just another distraction that allows me to not have to think about the state my life is in. Maybe i should talk to him about all this. Maybe i should be alone for awhile, but i only say this because i know i wont be and it makes me feel better to fiddle at something that is immutable. None of this has helped. � 
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