02.01.08 - 9:59 p.m.

well, here i am again feeling relatively miserable. Yesterday i couldnt stop crying. Today i just feel punchy and irritated and like i am watching myself. This out of body experience is so frustrating to me. Even when i am teaching, i feel it. As if i were watching myself.

and i feel like, right now, its simply financial, but it just seems like i keep getting dealt all these blows. All these financial problems that i cant get a grip on. My only solution is to get stoned. Tonight i have so much work to do but i cant. Two three hour classes back to back just empties me out, but my brain and soul are raw and misanthropic and i hate everyone and everything for no good reason at all. And im so fucking tired. Like my face muscles are tired of holding onto skin and bone. And i want to sleep forever, and not even in a spicy suicidal kind of way--in a defeated scared kind of way.

in this city, inexplicably, when it rains it pours:

1. Blonde asshole rams into and ruins my car.
2. many, many phone calls ending in a lot of spent money as a result.
3. Trips down to court where i cant get a straight answer.
4. My insurance carrier calls me and hes dropping my health insurance unless i come up with $790.
5. In a span of three days, i get a car insurance cancellation, a threat to turn off my electricity and a cell phone thats been disconnected. Its like ive just stopped living. Stopped participating.
6. I just payed my rent and i dont know if the check is going to bounce.
There is this insane domino effect with money. And i dont want to think about "you should track your money and see where your spending it" and all the other ADVICE. I am so so so fucking sick of advice. I feel like thats all i ever get anymore and no advice helps. I want to crawl into a hole and pull something opaque and very heavy on top.

And maybe i am tired. Just regular kind of tired but the kind that can make you crazy.

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