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01.19.08 - 7:24 p.m.

Heinous mood for no good reason at all.

Im addicted to everything...theres nothing left for me to go to to make myself feel better. Food: ive gotten fat, Beer: Ive gotten fat and numb, Weed: Doesnt help anything once its over except feeling worse. Cigarettes: Doesnt count because they are my oxygen. Xanax: Scares me once i feel better.

And, there is no one to talk to about it. Dan has his own things that he needs to talk about, but im too grumpy to hear them so we ignore each other, both needing to talk. My mom will tell me to exercise, alaina will tell me to join an anonymous group (Rage Anonymous?) shea wont be able to pull her head away from her boyfriends ass long enough. My shrink costs. I just wish i could say the thing right and have someone make me feel better. I think that dan is fed up with me for not being whatever it is that he wants me to be, and for being grumpy everyday. I just dont feel right. Ive been sleeping for thirteen hours a night, ive got this stupid chest cold. Everything seems all wrong. I think that maybe pierre could make me feel better, i think that, in some ways, i am missing people that feel like i do. That FEEL in the same way that i do. There isnt really anyone in my life like that right now. I am supposed to meet dan at marx's for drinks, but all i really feel like doing is calling alison and patrick and having them meet us there, which will piss dan off because he gets mad when i dont run things past him and he will take it out on me for the rest of the night.

Maybe i just need to get out of the house. I went to bed last night at 2, woke up at 3 this afternoon and i havent seen anyone since then but god, all of a sudden all i want to do is just LAY DOWN! Now im stoned and my stomach hurts a little for no reason. This chest medicine gives me diahrea. When i spellchecked diarhhea, i got "Zebediah" which i hope isnt some weird biblical sign. Im freezing.

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