|
|
06.25.07 - 11:31 p.m. what is there to say? these head meds have made me thoughtless. In the literal sense of the word. Its like this bandaid and im a blister and the world is a shoe. I feel the pang, but its far off and subjective and i can forget about it sometimes, but i havent figured out yet what to put in the place of the hurt. My brain feels, in some ways, like its waking up. Or, maybe, my heart feels like its waking up. No, my hearts always been awake--crazy--but awake. All of a sudden i am thinking about my future, and i think i am looking less to items that will protect me from that future--dan, weed--and more to doing things, which makes me miss my old life. There must still be tension, my neck has ached for as long as i can remember. Its like, all of a sudden the lead character in my play has come down with the flu, and so has her understudy, and now the understudy's understudy has become me. This strange, diffident, spacey, fiercely independent, terribly dependent understudy has become me. i have so much to do tomorrow, i can hardly believe that tomorrow night will happen. i have still only been offered one class for the fall, and i was hoping that i would be off this track. But, the thing is, i havent really been trying. Maybe this medicine will really help me get on the stick. God, why is it that your moms phrases come out at the worst time? Lets talk about dan for a bit. I do think i love him. They stole my ipod and he gave me his extra. I pretended to be his wife in a fight with comcast. He told me i looked good right as i was thinking how nice it is that i can sit in front of him in my WORST most disgusting pajamas that make me look fat and horendous and he doesnt hate me. Then we talked about why married people get fat--that their partner keeps telling them they look good and they start believing it and theyre doing the same for their partner and they both get fat at the same time. This is the greatest thing i have heard. I love that love can do that for anyone. Also, he smiles at me when we wake up. Also, sometimes i think he would do anything in the world to make me smile. Really smile, the great Worlds Burden Lifted kind of smile. He works hard at it. He rubs my feet when were watching Law and Order. In the interview at UMD, they asked me about my "strange capitalization practices" and i think that it was one of those moments where i realized that i need to be doing something with the way my brain reads the world. If i were single i would write all the time. And maybe ive come to the place where i realize that if i am going to write, its going to have to be less romantic and more practical. Thats what this medicine has done...its made me more practical and less romantic. And its made me stupid and slow in some ways. I stare off into space a lot. i love smoking cigarettes. I wish it werent so taboo. How many artists have taken their whole lives at a young age? How many have died of lung cancer. Plath committed suicide, Woolf, Hemingway, etc etc etc. He also loves my body, which i adore. He tells me that i look sexy all the time. Not that all the time he tells me i look sexy, but he tells me i "look sexy all the time" i like you like this, he tells me, all sleepy and sultry. In bed he says "tell me you love me" and i tell him and he says "tell me you promise." and i promise. And i know theres a reason he doesnt believe me. And a reason that i dont believe him. Im afraid of becoming ordinary. I feel like i have been given a white elephant--this gift of my crooked mind that i have straightened with some collection of psychotropic drugs. To hurt less. To become more like other people. To make money like other people. To feel at the same level that other people feel. And i know what my mom would say: you just need to practice. And i do. And its what ive been told all my life, but im so lazy. These drugs have given me the chance to write without EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD else stinging into my ears and making me cry. This summer, i am going to replace my tuesdays and thursday class with writing time. From 530-840, just like my class time. I think that seems like a good first step. My student said something good in his personal essay "but when i make myself do well and when i make sure i am mentally and socially healthy [Mary Jane] is a great chick to hang out with." � 
|