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06.14.07 - 10:42 p.m. so this is weird. This medicine is making me super productive, positive and, lately, its also making it mostly arbitrary whether or not i see dan. The First and Last being the most remarkable. Today i applied for a teaching position at the Univ. of Maryland and got an interview the same day. Also, i think i havent seen dan since sunday. This is unprecedented with us both in town. I have just felt like being by myself--like ive been out of town for years and have come home to bills and yoga and tea and long showers and luxurious sleeping patterns. Its pretty bizarre and highly unusual. Tomorrow, for instance, we are going to Annapolis on a little mini vacation and im so excited, but i dont feel like i have to see him tonight. I want to spend a long time shaving my legs and painting my toenails. I all of a sudden am enjoying time by myself. Today i woke up at 7 am, on my own, this has never happened before, but i drank some coffee and started working on my application. This is something i would have procrastinated on until death. I worked on it solid, without bathroom breaks and breakfast breaks and tv breaks and bong breaks. Maybe its because all of a sudden i dont have any days off and im feeling like i need to take care of myself. I dont even feel like writing, really. But all of this has lead dan to ask "Are you getting tired of me, is that it?" and thats not it, exactly, its that im not so tired of myself. I am, in fact, interested in myself again. The anxiety is still there, and pervasive, and hits without warning, but the good moments are more tangible, less dear and desparate, i find its like the edges of things are lopped off. Im not sure i would like to live like this forever, but its nice to have a second to breathe, to remember that i need to renew my car insurance, think practically about waiting tables, remembering that money comes easily and frequently and it has. The weird thing is, is that lately i have felt really preoccupied with myself, which i guess isnt an altogether bad thing--and i guess its really no different than i have ever been. Its like, all of a sudden it matters less if dan gets tired of me. This thing i have been trying to do for so long, i feel like i am actually doing. How long have i said i need to be making my own life? I have said it as long as i can remember and now, all of a sudden, things are clear--i feel i should modify, because i always feel like modifying--things feel clearer. No, i dont need to see dan tonight because its midnight and im tired and i want to sleep in sweatpants and a long sleeve teeshirt, and i want to take up all of my bed. And hes such a sweetie, i dont think hes pissed. I think, at most, he might be confused. Things seem to be the size that other people think they are for the first time in my life. I feel, less, like i have to play games to preserve my heart. What if he is starting to feel like a friend? Okay, wait, no, im stoned and on some sort of weird confidence trip. Ive got reservations about so many things, but not about you. Not about you. Not about you. � 
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