01.01.07 - 11:26 p.m.

and what is this feeling? and what is to make of it?

its a hungry all the time feeling--a water under the tongue feeling.

and these days ive been feeling so weird--physically--like im drunk all the time. It takes only a drink to feel unleashed, un-response-able.

and all i want is vodka, and all i want is someone to take this feeling away and i want it to be him and he cant.

actually, i want it to be myself and i cant. And maybe its not me because im the one that builds it in the first place but then i think, yes, i built it, but what if its true?

and why isnt he calling me?

seriously--i just wrote that down. I am a pathetic HBO special.

and i say, what do you want to do when you get back?? and im a little girl hoping for all these things and he says, "it." He wants to do "it." Im hoping for a little vacation, a walk, to talk, and he wants "it." Because hes a man without sex for fourteen days. And in the old days that would have been such a relief because it means that im wanted. But now im wanted in the most base of ways. The most useless, utilitarian kind of way.

and i just want to throw out everything and start from fresh in a town with big fields and dusty roads. I just want to go. Go. Go. Go.

i just want things better than they are. and i guess in the hollywoodland world its up to us to do that for ourselves.

and when will anything happen like its supposed to and i dont believe the bullshit that this is good enough. But i do believe it and im so scared that if i dont believe it then i will be old and alone.

what a load of bullshit.

i wish i could see beyond these lame 27 years. But if its true, then its all down hill from here.

and then i light this pipe with a lighter he brought to me, and i drink on the money he gave me for christmas and i wonder what the fuck wasnt it just yesterday that i said, of joel, "But this hardrive with this music on it."

and i feel like dan is a good man. but is this enough. He keeps so much of his self like a miser and i, in turn, throw everything i am at him. And im so scared of losing him. Of saying the wrong thing and of losing him. This, for some reason, makes me want to say all the terrible things that i have in mind just to see if it makes him leave. Because what if i decide to say all these things when im single and 36 and not cute. And its terrible but i live my life sometimes as if i am a character in a movie. This movie, eternal sunshine, he speaks of why he wants to erase her and it sounds like me, insecure, ridiculously transparent, and like id change his life.

He sees this writer, this wildredhead writer who works as a waitress and a million other things to pay one fifth of what he pays for. And he sees my crazy apartment and he thinks--this girl will help me see things.

but what i want, is someone to take care of me because i feel tired of being the tourguide. But, i feel, girls like me who are stronger than they would ever realize but feel vulnerable and skewed all the time find guys that need help. But i want help.

and i do get help even as i realize this.

but i send passive aggressive text messages to him because i want him to PROVE something to me. To smooth down some hair that i cant even see is out of place. And this is an unfair thing to ask someone to do, but what else is there but being single while you figure everything out. Then you have to depend on some other person figuring it out as well and then you have to trust that youre going to find that person. Its no wonder that people find A Person and hold on like its the only thing in the world that matters. In some ways it is the only thing in the world that matters, but on the other hand it is Just Another Thing--one of the many things that matter.

and maybe i should just make a to do list because i DO know enough about the dull mundanity of my self to know that when my room looks like this and i cant find a clean pair of panties that it allows me to make all sorts of other assumptions that may or may not be true.

To him i say "i wish you would call me. I feel so far away from you."

And he doesnt respond to me.
And he doesnt respond to me.
And he doesnt respond to me.

and i guess thats it--i feel a puzzle piece with seventy five sides and only a few of them are matching with him. Its like a glove with only one finger--better than nothing i guess.

and secretely i would rather be doing exactly what im doing right now then just about anything in the world. So stuck inside my head i cant see anything for how it is.

and i held on to sean for no other reason then to put another brick on the wall between dan and i--or to take another one down--to clean of the layers of varnish to see the wood for what it wanted to be. To allow myself to feel the difference in this arm around my shoulder and this chest against my head--to think, oh, no, this isnt right. And instead i feel a giddysort of selfishness, a giddy desire for everything i could get my hands on. To make a face at 3000 miles away dan and say, 'see! i could have this if you dont get your shit together!' And meanwhile he swings on a porch somewhere drinking what ever it is they drink in san diego and watching people surf and eat fish tacos.

and now maybe im just crazy.

i want that field i talked about, underthat strange tree with stranger trees all around. I want that bulk of treetop, the heavy awkward tops of the limbs where all the leaves meet. Just shade and holes of light. and green soft grass and that smell that smells like anything thats ever been possible.

and how do i explain this to anyone. what is someone supposed to make of this and isnt it possible that someone would and will and yes, of course its possible. All things are possible, which is the most impossible of all. How do you chose anything when all of your choices mean basically the same thing--just an urging toward death. Theres no point to the whole thing, and i dont have interest in suicide. The fact that there is this lack of point is the most interesting thing in the world--and i think people that kill themselves just lose interest. Maybe the only safegaurd in the whole world is staying interested.

Hah. spoken like a true gemini.

i wish i could say something that would make me feel better. Lets see...things are good. Things are happening and moving and though its difficult and oftentimes numbing in its excess, it is growth of some sort and i guess (while meaningless, finally) that growth is always good. If the point of life is to grow.

and i guess thats a good as point as any. Just to expand and inhale.

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