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12.28.06 - 6:03 p.m. well, here it is, another thing that i cant figure out. Today, having lunch with my very wise, one time cokehead now pregnant friend, i find that dan isnt the one. However, i am having all sorts of conflicting feelings about this because, goddammit, i already signed up. Im already invested because of all the reasons that girls get invested in things, and it makes me mad that here i am again. And i guess it is important to realize that it happens like this, but im sick of it. Im mad because i know he is having a difficult time at home and i know that hes not calling me when all i wanted when i was having my own difficult time at home, was to talk to him. And not even to talk to HIM, but to know that he is there for me--which is just so lame and always ends up being hurtful. And i feel relatively confidant that he will call me tonight after ive gotten good and mad at him in my head, and all of this will go away. When does it get better? and i want to say to him. Look, you know, i feel like i am giving all of myself to you and i sense that you are keeping a big ole chunk of your life private and separate from me and i hate that. Its all very well for you to spend all of your time with me when were in dc because you dont have any other options, but then you go home to california and i go home to tennessee and im thinking of you, and youre thinking of--whatever the fuck. and youre not calling me, which leads me to believe that you dont need me, or you dont want to need me. And both of those options feel like shit. but i know that as im having this conversation with him, all i will be thinking in the back of my head is--i dont even mean this, and not only do i not mean it, i dont want to commit to whatever it is that i say im doing. Because even if i AM entirely open to you, i dont want to be, and therefore, i probably shouldnt want you to be either. And tomorrow i will be back in dc and things will start making sense again and i will remember that i had a life before him. i just get frustrated that i keep letting this happen. Its like while im not even noticing these men are easing their way into me like water on cement. All these cracks i didnt even know i had, now full of memories and things they said. And fuck him! hes the one that told me that he loved me and was falling in love with me and wanted to become friends with my friends because they were the friends of the woman he was in love with. And he didnt need to say any of this. I didnt ask him to say any of this, but its almost like he did it to bring me closer--because he knew that it would--and now hes not calling me. And i am TOTALLY overreacting. And i know this because i do it all the time and this might actually be the first time that i have validly overreacted. I know that he is 32 and he is with a family that is difficult and dysfunctional and hes having to put things back together and i should be respectful of that, and he WAS there when i needed him when i was going through my own stuff, but god. Something is not right. I dont know what it is, but something is not right and i dont really know what to do about it. Would i be happier without him? I dont know, maybe. Maybe i wouldnt. Maybe it wouldnt matter one way or the other. I do know that im happy when i am single, but i also know that i get out of being single whenever i can, so i musnt be as content as i think i am. And what is there to do? Nothing really. But i am feeling, here, what i didnt have time to feel in dc. Something is wrong. I am feeling him too deeply, i am falling one hundred percent into him just like i have every other man, but it seems like this one feels more dangerous because he is actually someone that i could convince myself into. I KNEW i would never marry the Cocaine Thief, or the Grumpy Alcoholic or the Butt Sex Fiend. This guy, though. This normal, average, smart, Just like My Father man. He feels different. And so im over my head with someone that makes sense. With those other men i knew that the universe would right itself and i would be forced, by my own actions and average understanding of myself, to get out of it. I could see, slowly, marrying this man. I could see something that, in the bright unrealistic history lesson, would look just like settling. But this, up close and everyday, feels normal. and, somehow, if you asked me what i wanted, i would say "I want him to call me" and if you asked me why i would say "Because i want to know that hes as far gone as i am" and if you asked me why i was so far gone i would say "Because it feels good to be loved" and if you asked me if i loved him back i would say "sure." Becuase i do, but loving something is the problem. I can love anything, it doesnt really mean anything. And this seems to be my problem. This inability to understand love. And i know that i am seriously microanalyzing this, but i dont know what else to do. And now there are two neices in my lap and i have to be a real person � 
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