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11.05.06 - 4:05 p.m. how weird--to actively destruct oneself. To do this thing because a life starts to feel fake. Because a life starts to feel inapplicable. And there is some sense that i should stop, to protect myself, but why the fuck? In a week and two days i will find out whether or not i am carrying a baby. And i should be is the worst part. Girls worry, girls that had a condom break, girls that forget to take a pill, girls that had one drunk and stupid night. Worry is not for me. I punish my head because my head is at fault. And i smoke cigarettes and i drink too much and i should have a small nothing in my stomach because i have been so unsafe. And why. And why. And why. Im smart and educated and besides--i grew up in the time that people know about condoms and birth control and i know that abortion would end a part of me, and maybe i really know that and maybe i want it. Maybe i want to claim one thing back. Thats stupid, let me say it true: maybe i want to feel a part of my decisions. Maybe i want to feel like im actually in charge of what happens to me. Maybe i want if/then statements to be true. Maybe i want a Real Grief--one that i can put my finger on. Maybe i should quit hurting myself. Maybe. I dont know. I do know something. That i am not trying hard enough to not be. And neither is he. And it cant be good. What is behind this? Begging Disaster. I want him to think of nothing but me. Maybe i want to bind myself to him through trauma because i only see myself when i am inside him. But there are a million other things knocking on my door all the time and the noise is driving me crazy and driving me silent and petrified. Suffocated under a million down blankets--under a hundred sheets of taffy. I just want to go away. Away away away away. Underneath a tree that ive never seen before and in the distance everywhere i can see, stranger trees. And so i can say to him. You. You are the one that did it. You Did This To Me. You. It will feel good to be a victim for a day. To be able to fall apart. To be able to sit on the bottom of the ocean that im forever trying to tread water in. To let the water move in and change me. Change me. To have something taken away that wont be replaced. To have a sore and jagged hole that no one can do anything about. One that i will never be able to try and let someone else fix. One that i will know i cant pass off. One that will force me awake. � 
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