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10.18.06 - 1:26 a.m. what is there to say about this new boy, dan. there is something in the small fact that weve been "dating" a month and i havent felt the need to write about how terrible he/i/we are. Im not sure how i feel about it, but here i am tonight. And what is there to say? i want to get my feelings about him onto the page, but my feelings dont want to come out, so i will ask the questions. Or maybe i will list concerns--i enjoy listing concerns, it makes me feel like i have some control over the situation. It could be one of those things where we both feel like were drowning, and so were looking to each other. But who doesnt feel like that? And with him, with us, its almost as if we both sense that this is a possibility and so we scare ourselves out of it. And with coke, heres how it was: we did only three lines each, and we talked about one million different things and it seemed like--somehow--that the world should have changed afterwards. As a sociologist, hes used to talking like that. As a (Whatever I Am) Im only used to saying what people want to hear. And, i guess, convincing myself that its also what i want to hear. And i worry so much about my life. Its almost impossible for me to enjoy anything. How i got like this im not sure. But tonight, tonight. Lets talk about tonight. I pick him up at the metro and we go to some bar, we split a dinner and its very loud inside. Its almost midnight. We run out of things to say. And i start to feel very nervous. I start to feel like hes leaving me already in his head and were both worried about the same thing it seems, "Maybe you SHOULD move to Rockville--it makes sense for your job" i say, to which he responds "SO you want me out of here?" And i know why i say it-- i dont want him to move to rockville, of course, but i also dont want him to know that. And im not sure how in the world my heart got so gaurded and im not sure if i know any other way to act. And tonight, i drive him home in my small and familiar car and we try to decide whether or not i should come up. And i want him to want me to, and he wants me to want to, but we are both so scared of admitting anything to one another and so he says "Maybe some other time" and i agree like its the most fine thing in the world. And now that i am home and listening to my music and clean with my soap and quiet in my head and warm in my own clothes i feel so good. But at that second, i want only for him to want me--to not be able to be away from me. And why that of all things? This situation which has only caused me trouble in the past? And its intoxicating around him because--physically--he is so into me. Here is this man, whom i know if i dress up for, he will notice immediately. He tells me all the time that he thinks im hot and its nice to hear and it also makes me--ah--obsessed. And i know its the age old problem of allowing other people to inform you as to who you really are, but what other way is there? I mean, i know there is the healthy way--but others are the one who tell the stories. You can write an autobiography but the truth about you comes from other people. The final truth comes in the bulk of information that other people have on you. And i think, though ive been avoiding therapy like the plague, that i am supposed to be "Focusing on Myself and what i Need" and i want to, but it seems--if not impossible--than irrelevant. Because here is what i would say to him: Dan, you know, im terrified to open up to you and im not sure that i will ever be able to. I dont really know how to subsidize a relationship other than some toxic combination of blowjobs and putting you as the priority in all situations, which, by the way, i will silently blame you for until there is so much tension between us that you dont want to be around me anymore. I worry that everytime you want time on your own it means that youre over me and you never want to see me again, in which case, i will respond with ignoring your phone calls and making it seem like i have a million more important things to do. Also, when you talk about other girls, i want to fuck someone else immediately just to hurt you. In fact, if you talk enough about it, i will use that information as absolution when i cheat on you in the future. i know there is some sense that the way that dan and i are dating is how you are supposed to go about a "Grown Up Relationship" in that you dont show all of your cards at once, but its terrifying this way. I know that my therapist will say that i need to "learn to trust him" but i dont even know what that means. Maybe im sabatoging myself. Maybe im not as bad at this whole thing as i think i am, but i say that i am so that i dont have to get really involved. Though im already so involved that it makes me feel sick. Hes not sort of the icing on the cake that relationships are supposed to be. He is the cake, and everything else on the table as well. But--how do i explain--while he does sort of seem like everything right now, i am finding everyway that i am not everything to him and then blaming him for it. And its so tenuous. I am looking for all the ways that i can get the upper hand on him--on not FEELING as much as he is--and then i use them so that he must never know where he stands with me. Because i tell him that i have a crush on him and he doesnt believe me. I can see him reacting to my nonchalance (which i meticulously set up) with confusion and i like keeping him like this because it makes me feel more in control. But when he tells me that he wants to meet other people i am, on the inside, already sort of writing him off. Acting aloof so that he has to come back to me. And hes sweet. And i think that he is good. And his smile is the most adorable thing that i have ever seen. And hes smart--super smart, and hes a good professor, and he cares, but hes also sort of a rebel. There is so much that i really like about him. But then, this sense of dread. All the time. So that the only time that i feel happy around him it is not a Contentedness, it is something like a Fix. How in the world do i get away from that? How do we do anything? � 
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