09.21.06 - 11:23 p.m.

so i need to write this out, and you dont even have to read it because i think it might be long--i just need to write it out.

so i went out with joel tonight. He called me this afternoon and i called him back and he asked me to go out to eat and to see this show at the black cat. And i agreed, as i had nothing to do tonight. And i wanted to see him.

and things were fine awhile--he asked me about school, we talked about therapy, blah blah blah adn then he started in on the sex thing. And i gotta tell you--i was still intrigued because its, i dont why, impossible not to be. Because hes familiar--and the sex makes me feel like im doing something right. He paid for dinner-this i shouldnt have let happen, because it makes me feel tied to him, financially, but i dont care what anybody says--i think it is near impossible to go back once youve had sex with someone. But i tried. And i asked him if we could just be friends and hang out and he said yes, of course, but he cant pretend to not be attracted to me. Which, of course, made everything harder to deal with. It made everything seem bigger and more difficult, adn i guess the thing is--if they are attracted to me i feel like i am obligated to sleep with them. Weird. He bought me mentos and a pack of cigarettes. And i did want to lay my head against him--i just wanted to do that because it feels better to have someone to lay your head against. To have someone in this big dumb city say "yes."

And hes saying "we need to get your head fixed, kate. We need to get your issues with sex and men and intimacy and self confidence figured out" and im not sure its my head thats the problem. And i want to defend him. He opens the door for other people, he tips waitstaff like a champ. Hes a good person. And i can even see his logic. It makes good sense for him to want to pursue someone like myself who likes to sit around and watch tv, eat good food, have sex. Who wouldnt want that? I just have this feeling that there has to be so much more. More what im not sure. I just want to explain it to him. I want him to see. I want him to say "Kate, i understand why you dont want to have sex with me, but i will all of a sudden become the friend i never was to you in exchange." And he does sort of know me--like he says--but he knows all the bad and crazy sides of me-he knows those well, and id be lying if i said there wasnt anything sort of intoxicating about the fact that he knows the worst of me and still wants me. But he doesnt want me--not in the way that i want him to. He says he doesnt want crazy, but he does, thats all hes ever known. Except for when i was being the Perfect Girlfriend, and he doesnt even want to pursue that. He wants a loosely tied woman that wont know that he isnt the right man. Which is what i am. He doesnt know the good side of me. Not the solid side that stands in front of a class of nineteen years old everyday, or who talks to the lonely people at the restaurant, or who worries, or who plays the guitar. But its the same thing as always--im expecting him to make me feel better, and i guess thats something im going to have to do for myself. And the sex sex sex hes talking about it all the time. And he wants me to believe that i loved it too. And i did love it, but not like you love something good--like you love something like cocaine or cigarettes or vodka--all of which i already hold close to my heart. I love it like anyone who's addicted to anything knows.

And somehow, rather than my highly sophisticated logic, the fact that i might have a yeast infection and he had oreo crumbs on his lip acted as a final straw. And i gave him a hug--"well, this is dangerous kate. What if i just rub your back like this, talk into your ear a little like this..." and it did feel better to have his arms around me and the solidity of his chest--that terrible familiarity "c'mon kate, lets just go inside and watch a movie." And maybe i could have "Arent you tempted?" Well, "Of course im tempted" i tell him "thats why im not going inside." But the tempting isnt sex. Its that bitter in your stomach that feels like butterflies-the bad butterflies. The tempting is sharing an intimate space with someone that you know. Feeling unconnected all the time is too tiring to not take advantage of intimacy when it comes up.Someone that took you back and back and back when you yelled and cried and avoided his phone calls. Theres something wonderful about knowing someone will accept all of your worst. But its a dangerous wonderful. Because he doesnt really know anything of my best, and doesnt want it.

I am trying to do better. I should give myself some props for actively not sleeping with him. Though, if i were going to be honest i would admit that i exchanged feeling desired and refusing, for feeling desired and accepting. And im not sure that one is necessarily better than the other. I knew i was leading him on--i just had to do it. I had to know that i could go up against that and say no. For my self at least. And maybe its impossible, and maybe im putting myself into a situation in which i am always bound to fail. Because im so scared of losing him. Why? My therapist would ask, and to her i would say "because it means i did something wrong to lose him and i dont feel confident enough in myself to make a decision that might go wrong." But that doesnt even make sense. I said no because i wanted to see if i did if he would still want me. Which is fallible in everyway because what happens next time and the next time and the next time. And i told him that i didnt want to sleep with anyone who isnt going to call me for two weeks afterwards and to that he responds "you could have called me." And i could have. But i knew it wasnt what i wanted. Hes not what i want. But i want to remain friends with him nonetheless because im scared that by the time i figure out what i want i wont be attractive anymore. "We've been flirting with each other all night. Theres this impossible pheremone thing between us and i cant pretend that its not there. I cant just say, no kate, im not sexually attracted to you anymore." But i cant handle it if he's rejected me. So i keep him around and i keep him around and i keep him around. But maybe tonight was a good step. Maybe it was just another manipulation on my part to keep him interested. Both possibilities make equal sense in my head. I guess all we can do is take the next right step. And while my path might have been all muddled and wrong, i think--in the end--i took the right step. And theres something to be said for that.

and i let it seem like everything was my fault.

And all of a sudden the fact that i have only $619 in the bank seems to supercede all of this.

whatever--we didnt sleep together. Im not sure that any future hanging out will happen. I think he might try again to sleep with me, i might try again to say no. This might happen two or three more times and then i imagine everything will cease. For a couple of months, and then i imagine it will probably happen again. And what is there to do with this? Im not even sure. Im just going to try to do the next right thing for the next little while and maybe, like Rilke says, Ill "live myself into the answer."

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