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01.09.03 - 10:44 p.m. i miss diaryland. the anonymity is freeing. i tried live journal but i didnt so much like knowing that someone could look me up and stalk me or find me at work and tell me that my writing sucks. So i think i am back here...this makes me happy. Yay! This makes me feel like i can talk about my boss without his somehow finding out. Jeff. Pretty Boy. He owns a beauty salon, four luxury vehicles and an unbelievable gorgeous, and as far as i can tell, emotionally empty wife. Im sure she's fine. He scares me, he scares his children. Hes beautiful. But he wears scarves and i think that men who wear scarves know theyre beautiful. Growing up with men, i claim to know this. Men dont wear scarves unless a: they work on Wall Street and wear $700 suits that could substantiate a cashmere tie or b: its just so fucking cold in the philidelphian toll booth they work in they gave up the fight their wife started 30 years ago and put on a scratchy wool one which, they guess, helps. I think men that sort of drive around in bmw's and yell at their receptionists shouldnt wear scarves. He yells at me all the time he would say "Im not mad at YOU, im just mad.." but man, its impossible to tell the difference and i think thats a totally unfair thing to claim bc i am the direct result of what is making him angry and i get the brunt of it. I want to tell him to go fuck himself, but, im just not like that. My strategy has been to combat his unbelievable aggressiveness with patience and tolerance, keeping in mind the laws of physics...i dont think the air could handle his aggression and mine at the same time. I make myself small and quiet and he makes himself huge and incomprehensible and nothing at all gets done. He doesnt scare me into action, he mostly just scares me. The men around me react by giving him one more shot before they "Come down their and wipe the floor with his pansy ass..." and while i appreciate the intention, its not so helpful. On a side note...i wonder why men feel like that will make women feel better. When was any modern day work setting made better by a woman's brother beating up her boss? For some reason it makes them feel more in control of the situation. And thats the way people react to jeff. Either he scares you into shaking or he leads you to violence. I am not a naturally violent person, well, i am, but dont often possess the confidence to put that violence into action, so i am forced into shaking and smoking cigarettes and then, when the time comes, crying. I have had more MORE than my fair share of shitty jobs. I mean, really. Im a good worker, honest, conscientous, friendly, i make good coffee, it doesnt make sense. Why didnt i just stay in school? im afraid of tomorrow. I closed the drawer with a $50 plus...which is unforgivable, but fuck him, if he was so interested in me doing it right he wouldnt have sat there and drank coronas while i suffered through it. What an asshole. Dammit. Fuck him. Im just going to do what i can and leave it alone. Im tired of trying to be a superacheiver. There is no need for it anymore. My work code ethic is taken for granted by him, by all of my jobs in the past and so, fuck it. No other receptionist in the world is sitting here angsting about closing the day wrong. Fuck him. Thats the moral of the story. im tired of feeling pissed but its so tiring trying to be who you are when everyone around you takes you everyway they can. Its not whining as much as the cold truth. I will be nice to the clients, i will do my best, i will wear my trousers rolled. Love and love kate � 
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