|
|
10.30.02 - 8:47 p.m. i dont have anything to say. at all. Lets see... This morning we worked out. The owner of the gym was there and showed us how we were supposed to be doing everything as opposed to how i was doing everything which was mostly wrong. I felt like there was a bubble from his head that read "Good God...no WONDER this chick is so fat." and isnt that weird that i make up totally degrading things for other people to say about me? When hes probably wondering whether or not he turned the coffee pot off. I do so much better when i just make a list. And i know this about myself yet i never make lists. Never. And days will go by where nothing gets done because there is no list to remind me and then finally i realize that i need to make a list and then i kick ass. Today i: Signed up for the GRE ($125...holy shit i hope i dont fail again) called all of the human resources departments and listenend to the same old shit, firgued out the fafsa, called chicago, worked out, went to work, tagged soap, played with max and made him laugh. I wish i could start on a new short story but i am thinking about what is wrong with me and there will be a good 6 or 7 days of this before i can get back on the stick as mom would say. If time is not of the immediate essence i pretty much sit around and try to figure out what my deal is. Why i am the way i am. I am finally talking to the old man again adn i think that we are mad at each other or embarrassed or something else that comes out dressed like anger. Our words are chosen carefully and everything is measured. As usual i cannot figure out how i feel about the whole thing and am almost willing to forget all about it simply bc i am tired of being mad, you know? And only sometimes i feel mad and i know if i dwelt on it i would be mad again so i at one point decided if i wasnt mad at all for 72 hours i could forget it ever happened. Although really, nothing is worse than someone ignoring that something ever happened. Nonetheless i feel sorry for him. It must have been terribly awkward for him. And i know this. I wonder if he is angry about that? I wonder if we will ever talk about what happened. I hope we wont and i hope we will. I am nervous about school and live in fear that there is something that i am supposed to be doing that i am not. And his message: "you should realize that the competition is fierce." Why would he say that? Of course i understand that. No one has really been very supportive of my efforts as far as professors go and its pretty disconcerting. I know this is all me but a little enocouragement couldnt hurt. Am i whining? I am looking at a picture of my dad and i. I look so happy. He looks like he is looking through the camera. I wonder if he will ever feel proud of me. I wonder if we are ever really released from our parents expectations. I think i suffer more from what i think other people are thinking about me than what they have actually shared. I think i have carpal tunnel syndrome. My wrists ache. Maybe i will go to bed. i hate that email is the only thing i can look towards for an answer from him. I hate that i have to weigh its arbitrary nature in my hands and try to glean anything. This whole situation is unfair. Excuse me while i go act like the youngest child � 
|