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08.07.02 - 4:00 p.m. some more things in no particular order: well, in some sort of order since i just read an email from the publisher of my ex internship magazine. It does seem as if there are many people out there who are willing to help me, professionally anyway, but for some reason i am entirely unwilling to let them help me. Mostly because bruce wants me to come back to birmingham and talk to all sorts of writers since thats what i "want to do." And thats fine and everything, but what he doesnt understand is that i have to write all sorts of stuff before i can even see these aforementioned writers. He wants me to "committ myself to coming and talking to writers." which makes me all hot and sweaty and not in a good way. Im home now, you see, and his help, albeit appreciated makes things complicated because i feel as if i should go back to birmingham and "dedicate myself," but its so impraactical because the true desire isnt there. But it must be somewhat there because i keep emailing these people and asking for help. Which must be a subconscious move because all i really want to do is hide for a year and make money so that i can go to school. When, really, if i could dedicate myself to returning and using bruce's editor star power, i might really get a job writing. But dont i want to be a professor? Or do i want to work my way up in a magazine until im a travel writer and rich and travelling. And whos to say that if i "dedicate" myself that ill get anywhere, anyway. And wont i have to move back to birmingham. And isnt that just stupid? To move back with no job and was moving here stupid in the first place. My problem is that i dont trust myself enough, finally. I dont really WANT to work in a corporation, unless i was writing. But do i want to go through the years and years climbing up the ladder until then? Or do i want to go back to school and take the chance of not getting a job at all. Fuck Me. This is enough for now. Remind me to tell you about my semi embarrassing/ possibly criminal attraction to 14 year old boys. � 
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