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07.14.02 - 2:51 p.m. i think its been a really really long time. Instead there have been page long ramblings in my paper journal, that other place that i go. I guess that there have been things i havent been able to discuss here for privacy issues that exist and privacy that doesnt. I am preparing to move back to chattanooga, a move that feels like the most natural thing in the world. A decision that racked me nonetheless while it was being made. Sleeplessness and anxiousness and all of it that goes along and then father frank who assured me that it wasnt confession that i needed but counseling and it was at that point that i decided i couldnt pray my way in or out of this one. I couldnt make what happened not make any difference but i did know that it was time for me to get a hold of myself. My little jaunt into the land of irresponsibility left me alone in my apartment still. and alone. still. And in the end i think that im finished waiting. For david, for eric, for my old friends, for things that made me happy. Ive been dressed in flourescent and plaid, waiting. Home means that i have a chance to catch my breath before i start all over again. It means that the people hugging me remember when i had braces and acne and it means that i will be alone but in a different way. It doesnt feel like giving up, it does feel right. It catches me in the middle of nowhere, in the theatre, in the shower, at a restaurant, in somebodys arms and it grabs a hold of my head and we make eye contact and i assure it and i assure myself, that yes--this feels right. That this feels like the right thing has been done. There will be things about it that is difficult, there will be adjustments, there will be requirements, normalcy. Mom will know if im not eating, if im smoking. I wont enertain the wrong kind of men. I cant sleep all day, ill have to be looking for a job. My night will end around 11. No one will call me later. I cant decide to leave and eat cheeseburgers at al's. I cant decide to give back into tim, for one more time. But at night, ill take walks with mom and ill learn how to talk to my father, ill fold the clothes and empty the dishwasher. Ill watch jolie crawl and molly sit up and ill talk WITH max who wants to know when im coming home. Ill watch my brother coach little girls with new breasts and wild crushes and ill join the other one for must see tv and maybe hell find me a job. The night is quiet on my street. There will be candles and quiet conversation and foot rubs. It will be easier in some ways, and more difficult in others. Ill try to get into school. Ill apply and fret and make phone calls. ill try to be good, and normal, ill try to be me again. � 
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