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04.13.02 - 12:26 a.m. with old friends again. Old arms and smiles and laughs and insecurities the same again after all this time. And new things under surfaces that were opaque during school. It was nice even for a moment to remember these people on the couch that remember eric and david and the way my hair was freshman year. Its difficult to forever be meeting people that are new to you. ITs hard to start over every day. Brian and i talked about karlo, sarah and i about old friends and bar bathrooms, marcus and i about sex and why we arent having it. Standing on the porch waiting for a dry sigh in the rain so we could race back to our cars...two camrys blue and blue in the rain. Side by side, hands in pockets talking about grad school and the surprise of rain on a quiet night. I miss these people. The inside lights going dark and the shadow of brians hand against the window as he knocked goodbye, two pairs of feet making their way up the stairs and away. I didnt realize we would all be going to bed so early after weekends with johnathan that end in a trail of clothes from the door to the bed and exhausted bodies falling immediately into sleep, feet entangled. This was a soft parting of bodies, turning away, into night, into houses behind doors. A kiss on the forehead from marcus, a promise from brian and sarah to eat dinner and we will. It didnt seem like anything would happen after birmingham southern. I couldnt imagine these people walking out with me into the rest of our lives. i always felt myself leaving in the middle of an empty line, a lone figure in a horizon of no one. ALl by myself. Im glad to place myself within a contect after all this time. Its been things ive never seen and conversations i have never had and all new fears that shock me into waking in the middle of the night. Its been loneliness and awkwardness, myself with myself and a mystery that i took to bed every night and woke up with every morning. To recognize the slant of someones shoulders as the same shoulders i have known for years, their bodies the same against mine in a hug. The same expressions, the familiar lift of eyelids and hands around beer. And i want to say thank you to someone for all of this, for all of this that has stayed the same while i was away. It felt such a gift to find the same dip of belly into belt, the same hands i remember in ensemble, the same laugh i heard everyday for four years and then missed for months. Its difficult to let these smallest of things pass, to leave these intricacies, something so precious as the tilt of someones head into a laugh, the delicate symmetry and memory of them, still, the same. To let that go seems an impossibility. I am thankful for tonight, for the forgiveness inside of it, for the willingness. For the cool breath of reconvening and remembering. � 
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