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04.20.05 - 10:03 p.m.

oh, huh uh. ill be DAMNED if after everything i went through i will be waiting for D to call.

No. Nope, no way.

He emailed me out of the blue in a sort of bout of self hatred apologizing apologizing apologizing for all of the terrible sins he commited against me in the past, and how hes seeking some sort of repentence for his deeds.

Its all very biblical and apocolyptic; i think hes recent resurgence into academia has posited in him an aggrandized sense of self importance and its annoying, yet unfortunately for me, endearing at the same time.

But no. After all the fucked up shit. ALL OF IT...and it was fucked up, i cant BELIEVE i actually called him back. What?

The drunkard, and the coke head and the compulsive liar.

The truth is though, hes smarter than s, and i cant help but see that, or at least remember it.

gross.

So i called him back and of COURSE he didnt pick up, per usual, and i left a nasty message, i think i called him a tool, and then said "murfreesboro" as if it were satans own vacation spot--spitting over the syllables. I didnt tell him to call me back, but he will when it is the most most most inconvenient, like tonight at 3 am when ive finally fallen asleep, or tomorrow in the middle of yet ANOTHER session with a non native speaker.

So weird how things bleed in and out of importance. When i was with s, i never thought of d except when s would say things like "D must have been some kind of fuck up to let you go." Although s let me go too without as much as a tug on the line so i dont know where he gets off calling people fuck ups.

So there.

(two hours later)

oh, bless people like joshua who always call at the perfect time to get beer.

i think i might have to turn on my air conditioning tonight.

so, were back from marks, or, moreover, I am back from marx.

And the funny thing, when you break up with someone and your heart is broken, the world keeps happening around you. People keep looking for jobs and get them, people make decisions to move to a different state, a different country. The waiters become bartenders, the dj's change their names, new posters are made, new rules are enstated. The world keeps happening, and its comforting in a way, in that, no matter how terrible a mess you make of things, the sun is going to come up in the morning, but on the other hand, it seems like you have lost something at the same time...like you slept through the alarm that everyone else woke up to. I think this is why my mom always says that she was glad that i didnt date in high school because truly, truly, it takes you entirely out of the world. It takes you out.

Earl asked all about me, and it felt as if he were looking for information to pass on. Bless his heart, he doesnt want my heart to be broken, doesnt think that s deserves that kind of power and so i told him about my summer plans, and the idea that it would get back to s made me want to have them seem as sunshiney as possible. But they are sunshiney. Truly. I am doing something that i care about. I am ALLOWING myself to do something that i care about. I made plans, so that i could do something that i cared about...and its been a long long time, since ive done that.

When i was with s, all i did was try to make the relationship feel right. Thats what i did. That was my full time job. How does s feel? Is he drunk? Is he looking at her, does he love me, does he think im getting fat, is he going to leave me? And then, more dreadfully, is he the right one? can i make him into the right one? Will he be a good dad, will he ever stop drinking, can i help that, will he learn how to spend money right. School, writing, teaching...leftovers, whatever energy/minutes i had leftover were spent trying to make ends meet at this thing that i was spending so much time and money pursuing.

Its so weird when your mom tells you something and then eight years later it ends up being true. Its like the sun rising, its like there is nothing new under the sun.

So i guess i let earl believe that the internship was something really great, and maybe it will be, and i went ahead and told him that i had ten pieces out to journals as of this afternoon. And i told josh that i got to finally speak to a german native speaker and the conversation was enlightening and edifying and connected and wonderful. And that i exercised, and that i hoped one day for a porch.

And then we talked about what it was like to worry about your parents retirement package, and how, somehow, these people that you spend the most time with somehow elude all of your best intentioned understanding. We talked about the best way to speak to a boss, how i am going about formatting my thesis, whether or not social security is really a cure that will end up worse than the disease.

then we paid our tab, i talked to earl, told him that (and its nice that its true) how much better my writing has been going, what kind of work i will be doing this summer. Its only 12 after all and he asked us why we were leaving so early, and its because i have to work all day tomorrow at things that i love and am learning to love, and josh has to go to a job where he wears a tie. This is unfamiliar to earl who has seen me spinning idly on a stool at 4 am on a weeknight waiting for my boyfriend, who is doing shots of stoli-o, to get off work. And it was nice to inhabit the real world again. I told him i would try to make it to his bar on wednesday night, waved goodbye to the boss (who once told s that i was the only girl s had dated who was worth a hello and got me drunk so i could stick it out with s till the end of the night) said thank you to the new bartender who was just a nervous waiter the last time i was there, and left. Hugged josh at the corner and walked home.

And here i am. Home.

 

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