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04.08.05 - 3:10 a.m.

some neat things happened tonight.

1) i am drunk, and the only person that i have to think about is myself, and it occurs to me that i would only think this if i was in a relationship. It occurs to me, also, that i have never realized how much i cherish this time by myself unti i lost it. Until it was like, s is drunk and i have to deal with how he is going to be when we come home and if he is going to be passed out, and whoops, he doesnt have enough covers and its the middle of the winter in washington dc and he doesnt have enough covers and he is going to wake up in the morning with a cold and this is going to be my fault, and i will suffer for it because he has a headache from the cold and doesnt want to have sex. Since i have been talking but a little bit to my guy friends, i realize that this not wanting to have sex thing is a mystery to them. They dont understand it either.

But i am there with a and b and p, and all i can really think about is how content i am that i dont have to run interference for my drunk boyfriend anymore like a has to, and how im glad that when i go home i am going to eat the rest of the raisin nut bran and then throw it up loudly and with as much flourish as i want because i KNOW that i cant drink milk after vodka. But i come home and drink milk after vodka because cereal is all that i can think about and i sit on the floor of my apartment in front of my telelvision and watch Big on F/X because i dont have to run it by anyone and i spill half of the cereal that i know i shouldnt eat on the kitchen floor and its okay because i have until tomorrow night when my friends come over to clean it up. So i watch Big on F/X and i eat the cereal that i know i shouldnt be eating and then, i throw up loudly and with much flourish because i know better and then i take an involved shower and then i get out and put my fat robe on and sit here, and type. And this, of all things, is what i am looking most forward too, and i dont really have anythign to talk about, but the FACT that i get to sit here and not think about ANYONE other than myself is fucking great. But i do think of others, like my friend a.m.h, who has forgotten how wonderful it feels to be alone and its weird to be at the other end of something and KNOW that the people you love will necessarily go through the same sand trap that you did regardless of how exactly and how painstakingly you attempt to retell the agony.

and i saw s's balding head last night as he went from one end of his bar to the other, and who knows what he was thinking about at that time, not seeing me. Who knows what the energy involved in his thought included as i walked my with my friend josh who was talking about anything that had nothing to do with s. And we are talking and i am seeing s and its somehow still AMAZING to me that we exist indepedantly of each other. Somehow, its still amazing to me that after 5 months of having nothing but each other we could break away from that. Like going from being tube fed to running a marathon in one day.

Although, it was never like that for me, he seems to be recuperating quite nicely, but the Rules of the World somehow still seem to suggest that next time he is going to end up in the same place, peering over the hospital curtain for another girl, when i have to believe that, due to the gutwrenching agony of the last month, i am one step ahead. One step ahead to what, i dont know, but one step ahead nonetheless.

Because tonight, when its so obvious to no one but me, that a is still and always in love with b, though shes dating p, and she is trying to mitigate aroudn p in order to make things right, all i could do was sing along to the songs i played in the jukebox while they pranced and hid in their little world. And i was so so so glad that i didnt have to do that anymore. I didnt have to explain anyone's behavior. I was a single unit, and myself was taken care of, and somehow, i seemed like the luckiest. It felt like back at birmingham southern, when all of my friends had to go to their sorority meetings and i ALWAYS had the feeling that somehow, i had eluded something, that somehow, i was the lucky one. And while at first this feeling seemed like a defense mechanism, soon it become just a feeling of contentment. I had SOMETHING figured out. Somehow, i had avoided the flu, the plague, the disease that automatically attacks you when you give YOURSELF over to something else.

In an attempt to be not so self glorifying. Tonight, i left my friends to use the restroom, and while i was by myself the Lucinda Williams song that i played came on. I got this amazing feeling of ease, so, on the toilet i did a little self research on why i felt this way. And then, i remembered, that this cd was the one that i played over and over and over again when i was so so so alone in birmingham after everyone that i loved had gone away. And it was so weird, that i think of that time as such a lonely time. But there, in a bathroom, by myself, five years later, and 600 miles away, it occured to me that that was a time by myself, and that was a time by myself that made me shake my head, there alone in the bathroom, because it was so full. It was so full, and finally, it was full of nothing, but myself. Myself. And i said, there in the darkened big city bathroom, 'thank you' to myself. Thank you and also, 'we had some good times.' Because while that time was so profoundly lonely and so alone, that was such a time of GREAT growth and consequence and i had never really realized how much so until i was by myself, in an entirely different and GOOD spot that i had put myself in.

Its amazing how little credit we give OURSELVES. How little credit we give ourselves for getting through the impossible times. I cant let go of s because one time, after a hard night, he cleaned my apartment and rented a movie i wanted to see. One night. I cant let that go, but for 6 months i was alone in birmingham. I had an affair with a married man and then lost him, had a job and then lost it, kneeled and prayed by myself to God to help me make sense of anything. Woke up in the 90 degree summer, put on a boys uniform, worked my ass off, came home, cried, made dinner, took a shower, prayed, went to bed. I did ALL of that. I did ALL of that, and it was by myself. WHat i have gone through with myself SO far exceeds ANYTHING i have done with ANY boy, but i take it ALL for granted.

Tonight was important and good for me.

I am feeling pleased again. Afraid. So afraid and SO SO SO lonely sometimes, more lonely than i have EVER been before, but in the corner is small small me, waiting, waiting, waiting. And even more than waiting, for the first time, or maybe just again, i am walking up to the alone ME in the corner and introducing myself. Without anyone to fall asleep with, without anyones shoulder to fit my palm against in the middle of the night, without anyone to wake up to, talk about my midnight dreams with, eat a late lunch with, without all of these things, somehow, tonight, i was content.

Somehow, tonight, i found myself in the corner, apologized, and started to make ammends

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