04.02.05 - 3:36 p.m.

these days i am crying all the time.

whats strange is, i am crying, for the most part, these weird "happy" tears.

Example: I cried when the firefighter husband came home to his new bonus room in While you were Out. I cried when people applauded for the short haired spaniel at westminster. i cried when the pope died ( i dont know what category that goes in). I cry watching tv all the time. I think...what i think is that now that i have reawakened to the world i am somehow consistently overwhelmed by it...like its grown infinitely bigger while i was away. Bigger and more dramatic.

I still think of s all the time. I cant get used to him not being around, yet somehow, i can barely remember what it was like when he was. It was like it never happened, and it was the only thing that happened. It was a box that, contrary to the laws of physics, has simply ceased to exist.

When i was little i was obsessed with these two paranormal occurences:
1) i sometimes became irrationally anxious about what would happen if the world ceased to be three dimensional. Mostly i thought of it when we would be driving on the interstate and would pass under an overpass. If, say, the world was two dimensional we would collide with the truck on the overpass. But what if it HAPPENED? i would insist of my father who is an accountant and doesnt need to worry about the world changing like that.
2)i would wonder and wonder and wonder what if the energy each person exerted thinking stayed, in the sense that matter can neither be created nor destroyed. One person, one person, thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks all the time, ALL the time. Just one person, what happens to that energy? As a child i imagined a magenta cloud around everyones head.

I say this because i wonder what happened to the energy of that five months. Thinking thinking thinking about him and us and him and us and me, and cooking and thinking and fucking and thinking and showering and thinking, about him. And now, the nothing. I feel as if im still flailing through the air from inertia and hes already in the passenger seat of a car going in the opposite direction. And its nothing. Just like that, all of it is nothing.

�

previous - next