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10.09.08 - 10:21 p.m. Here i am in this little apartment. Its the second to last night that i will sleep here. Its so weird to imagine. Right now i am feeling sad and overwhelmed. I should be thankful as my friends have really come through to help me and i am so grateful for that. I just hope i am making the right decision. I skipped school today and i am skipping tomorrow to pack up the rest of my stuff and i guess i am feeling a little guilty about that as i always do when i skip school, but, in the end, i wont even remember skipping this day. My friend is asleep on my small gold couch that i have sat on everyday for the last five years. I guess sometimes it takes moving away from a place to see the place. Just to see it. To recognize it. I dont know how committed i want to be to falling apart here right now. I dont want to get all weepy, but i know its possible that i will. I probably should just go to bed, but i havent really gotten any exercise today, and its hard for me to fall asleep. I think i am feeling sad about my mom and dad not being happy or excited for me moving in with dan. I know that its a lot to expect from them, and i know that i am in an awkward tearing away phase. I got an email from my mom--she does always email me back when i email her, in her special mom voice--that asked me how i was settling in, so that i realize she doesnt even realize that i havent moved yet. Maybe i am intentionally keeping her out of the loop because i dont know how much she really wants to be included. I think she loves me dearly, disagrees with what i am doing, and is trying to rationalize those things in sort of the same way i am. Still, i still miss her support which is like a support that i have never really found anywhere. Well, i guess its just different. Dan gives me wonderful support but he does it while maintaining his own person, and in our family our lines were so blurred. Your life was sort of your own and sort of the property of The Family. Its been really difficult for me to discover/trust/appreciate other kinds of love. Different, if even equal kinds of love. My group which, in conjunction with Dan, has really opened a lot of doors that i never trusted to need or to walk through before. Ive never really trusted anyone besides my family before, and all of a sudden i have Dan and my other dear friends, and even the new friends that are intimate and wonderful. Sam and Mark and Patrick are helping me move this weekend--people that i dont even spend that much time with. Coming through in the most miserable of ways--its not like i am throwing a party. Its a miserable move and i am disappearing to another city. They dont have to do this and i am not sure that i would do it for them! There are new changes and there is newness all around me. Its overwhelming and wonderful. I am very excited about moving to Frederick. Really not that nervous or sad, even. Nervous about the commute but thats really it. Nervous about not having any friends, but i am always pretty busy and i think i will actually see my friends more now. I sometimes cant even recognize myself now. I come out of despair so much easier than i used to. Can you imagine me doing this 6 years ago when i started this journal?? I was so terrified of every change. Now i think i see myself in a more rational position. I think i see myself as not the be all and end all that i must have thought of myself as before. And i love dan. I love being around me. I do hope i havent transferred all of the neediness i had with mom onto dan. But i guess if i have its just one more thing that i will figure out. I am always so fixated with Who i Should Trust, When I Should Trust, Why I Should Trust, and my personal favorite Why SHOULDNT i Trust, that i havent realized that in a lot of ways i have already started and continued and am seeing the benefits and repercussions of trusting Dan even while i question him constantly. He did tell me "I have to be the strong one in this relationship concerning the move-in. If i reveal to you any of my concerns about us moving in together, youll jump ship." I feel sorry that he feels this way, but i guess its a pretty even trade-off. I never thought i would move in with someone before i got married, and here i am moving in with an Atheist before marriage. I guess you can never tell how your life is going to work out. That "God has a sense of humor" thing. Or Lennons "life is what happens while youre busy making other plans." In any case, this weekend should be fun. On Saturday after getting the truck we meet at my house and me, Patrick, Sam, Mark and Dan will pack up the uhaul, and then Dan and i will drive over to his place where we will meet carolyn and zach--well pack up his place and drive to Frederick where well meet with Dawn and Joel to unpack the Uhaul into DANS HOUSE THAT HE OWNS! So weird. I think their dog, Sally, will be there as well. I think well eat dinner and drink beer on the living room floor surrounded by boxes. Well all go to bed, wake up, and eat in the buzzing town of Frederick. And then, it will be me and dan and the backyard. This feels very exciting to me. I wonder what my entries will be like over the next few years? This is the first real big change ive had since i moved to dc. I lived in Arlington for a while and Rockville for awhile, but its been pretty much this neighborhood for the majority of my familiar life. Daimon, Sal, grad school, starting teaching, getting so hurt, crying on the floor, getting so stoned and waking up with weird people, COUNTLESS showers in that tiny pink bathroom. Five separate boxes of Brown Sugar in the cabinet from Alison who subletted over a summer. The air conditioning that doesnt work, my strange small beds and the setee in that odd perpendicular position on the floor, the good solid door with the two locks, my lovely wall window with its painfully familiar view of nothing that surprises me anymore. This old desk i wrote my thesis on, that i wrote countless letters on, that i wrote countless entries on. Its smell--like a middle of the line hotel room. That tiny walkway into the bathroom that guarantees a toe-stub unless you do it just right. Breaking up with Daimon and eating fast food Italian that Alaina brought over, breaking up with Sal and crying on the floor, the first time i met Dan and he came back to the apartment and we talked all night on the gold couch with the late summer bugs raging in the background. All the stains on the carpet that i know by heart. I guess when you are 29, you move. Maybe it doesnt sit well with a growing adult to stay in just one place for too long. Im willing to believe that. Should i wake up sleeping Megan? Its 11 pm. Should i go to bed? Tomorrow is my last day. Tomorrow is my last day of this life. � 
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