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08.12.07 - 12:12 a.m.

i havent written in a long time. The nails on my left hand have grown long in the meantime. Dan and i are driving home to chattanooga on monday. He will spend the working week with my mom and dad. We will visit the old places i used to go, he will examine my dads speakers and make decisions in his head that i dont know about. He will look at a picture thats been hanging on the wall in our house since before i can remember and he will think something about it thats different than me, and i will never know that. Im looking forward to it, sorta, but i havent been able to feel much of anything.

it just occured to me that i missed my second psych appointment. thats 70 dollars for no reason, this is the second one i have missed. I guess you can skip your shrink appointment.

Im stoned and i cant think of anything to say. This is the first time in a long time. I just want so much to know what to do right now. Specifically. It has lately been feeling to me that i havent really thought for a long long time. Well==a few months. Ive let this medicine put my head in a comfortable drawer for awhile now. i used to really obsess, REALLY obsess about anything i could find to obsess about, and now my lack of obsession has made me, what? i dont know. I have noticed that dan and i seem closer. I still have a hard time trusting him, i have a hard time thinking that when i text him at 1223 in the morning, hes not calling me because hes on the other line with some other girl. Hes not like that, i dont think, but that doesnt seem to stop me. I feel like if you dropped one drop of water in an empty olympic size pool, eventually, it will fill up. And every nice thing he says or does for me is one drop in that big empty pool.

Im tired, im not sure anything good is going to come from me tonight.


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