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09.09.07 - 5:50 a.m. It seemed to me, this morning, that my real self was trying to shudder through. The one that is sure that dan is cheating on me, the one that wakes up in the middle of the night sweating and afraid. I had the weirdest dreams last night. Leslie had found a friend and was eating oysters with her at an island outside of the city. They stayed all day and bought the oysters in the morning. I dreamed i was at a lesbian bar with someone i knew but didnt look familiar to me. She was getting hit on by an ambiguous looking latina. I was riding bikes with Lyndsay from my youth and i left something in her dads car that we had to get and i felt guilty. Then i was a guy--i think i might have been alainas ex boyfriend, Critter. I was getting dumped by a girl in a hotel room, the room seemed to have no ceiling. I couldnt figure out where to go, but her new boyfriend was already there. I heard, from leslie about a little rooming house across from a cathedral. There was a bar, where--for some reason--i kept seeing an image of a baby, an infant, taped? to the passenger side window of a pick up truck. Leslie and jessie were bartending and looking at it like "oh, you guys...". Outside was some sort of BMX bike ramp with people everywhere riding bikes. Of course, it was always nighttime. I woke this morning feeling so creepy. Someones in my apartment, i woke right away at 530 am when the coffee started. And i felt, huh, this is what i used to feel like. Sore, and unsure and like i never fell asleep at all. Like i was on some sort of stage. Like i was being watched, like someone was right behind me. I felt the plates inside me shift, and the old me was bubbling under the surface, pushing through in places. I havent been taking my birth control correctly with all the switching of bags. Im also out of the head meds. Wrong birth control + halt in antidepressants is not where i need to be. But i think the creepy feeling came from sensing the self that has been subdued and drugged and modified and simplified. I wish i could trust that person. I woke and thought i had the flu. Thought i had never slept at all though i woke with my headphones on from last night. I must have fallen asleep to dream. Its as if something is at my feet, and i keep looking down at the table beside me, but nothing is there. I feel creepy, as if a centipede will slither from between my papers at any moment. The dreams. Maybe from coming right from sexually open Megan. Knowing shes flirting with me, but knowing shes waiting for the man shes been sleeping next to. And my small sometimes innocuous dan. Asleep in his apartment in the trees. � 
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