01.24.07 - 9:43 p.m.

alright. Its 945 pm and im sober and so now is the time for me to get a grip on whats going on in my head with dan. There are some of the same things:
1)feeling taken advantage of--these things in my mind, and things that my mom says:
a. "He spends a lot of time at your apartment...does he help pay for groceries?" and in her way i know that she is worried about me and never having any money and she thinks he eats me out of home--just like daimon, sal, joel, ad nauseum.
2) tonight i call him though everything in me wants to wait for him to call me. But i think, im in this relationship, i should ask for what i want. So i call him and its all fine, he tells me that hell call me back when he wakes up, and he does, tells me hes coming over and then calls me back to tell me that hes not. And i guess that what i miss is having long periods of time to myself. Long periods of mental space. And i ask him when he says hes coming over to bring some soap and the shoe polish. Then he decides that he doesnt want to come over. And im out shoe polish and soap because he decides that he doesnt want to come over. And in my head im thinking, you know, if i knew he needed these things, i would bring them over. And then there is the fact that i woke up so sick and he went with me to get the medicine and he pays for the medicine and he never lets my mug of tea get cold and he measures the shots of whiskey in the hot toddie. But the week before im sick, im driving him all over gods green dc to find a new apartment for him, and now there is the boxes and theres the boots i have to return for him and this...he calls to tell me that hes hungry, am i? No, im not, i invite him over and get ready to make dinner for him, and then he calls to tell me that hes feeling lazy. And i lie and i tell him ive already started it. He apologizes and tells me that "he hopes he hasnt messed me up." But he has messed me up. I do this everytime. Everytime i fall so far in and then i realize that im the only one in there. I mean, he came with me to the pool, but i feel like im the only one in the water. Hes sitting at the side, not talking to anyone else, not looking at anyone else, dangling his feet in, letting me do back flips in the water between his legs, but hes not getting in. And i change my shirt before hes supposed to come over tonight. And here i am, sitting in it, and hes not here. And hes certainly not thinking about it.

and i guess, the thing that i dont ever want to admit, he's selfish.

But the other thing is, selfishness was the one thing on the planet we werent allowed to be growing up, so maybe not everyones sense of what is and is not selfish is the same.

and i guess the basic fact of the matter, for tonight at least, is that i need him in this apartment like i need a hole in the head. There is a whole third of a semester to be planned and 86 pages of a book ive never read to be taught tomorrow, and a bathroom floor to clean, and i slept eight hours today, and there is plenty to do. And i should do yoga because im sick-sore and i could take a bath, and slip into flannel sheets that ive just washed and all of my laundry is done and this is the perfect opportunity to start this big week of right.

And tomorrow night, there is my best girl to get stoned and sit around with.

and tomorrow morning, there are floors to clean, and id like to try on a million different outfits before i go to class.

and finally i am mad at myself because im so scared of losing him that i want him around me all the time. Just like always.

i feel like, if he doesnt want to come over, its because im ugly. Even though i really dont want him to come over in the first place.

But i am proud of myself. My first impulse when he calls to tell me that hes not coming over is to lie and tell him that ive already started making dinner (and though i hadnt, im already mad at myself becasue im LETTING him take advantage of me) but when hes sure hes not coming over, all i want to do is call him and beg. BEG him to be here because Oh My God, what does it mean that he doesnt want to come over at 10 oclock on a school night?????! But i didnt beg, i walked around my apartment, picked stuff up, put it in different places and talked myself into the good reality of the situation. And maybe it would do us good for us to miss each other a little. Because i dont miss him right now, i NEED him right now--like the drug that he is.

And what i need to do, really, is remember what i am doing on the planet. Its not dan. Its writing, and teaching and spending time with my friends, and waiting tables and walking to work, and taking care of my house, and becoming financially independent again, etc etc etc.

and when i read over that list, is the desire to be single again.

shea tells me that i need to have some faith in him and i know that shes right. Tonight i asked her (after they spent a good deal of time together) if--honestly--she really felt like he liked me. And she tells me, in her sweet way, that she feels like he's way more invested in me than i am in him. And in a way i can see her point. Its almost like i dont even see dan, in a way, i almost only see what he means for what i am. Its like he is a mirror and not a man. Whereas with him, he knows himself and he looks at me like another individual--one that hes invested in outside of himself. There is no sense that i am invested in him outside of myself. I want him to be what i want him to be, and if hes not then i blame it on myself.

In some ways, hes so right in the head that it intimidates me. He takes care of himself and does what he needs to do. I, on the other hand, use him as a barometer for how im doing in the world. Which is the lamest thing of all time because there are ALL the REAL things in the world--that im in charge of--that are the real informative measures.

and i have this sense that there are all these things that i need to do. I feel like on Monday and Thursday nights, i should stay at school and prepare for the next class. On tuesday and wednesday nights i should write. Which leads the weekend, when i work at the diner. And i feel like what i suffer from is the fact that i dont do any of the things that i need to do and i blame all of that on dan. Because ive chosen to only do him and everything else has fallen apart, and i blame him for it, because hes managing to do his own thing and attend to me at the same time. And so yes, he seems selfish to me because i am giving him ALL of me, and he is giving me the part that he should.

But i dont altogether believe that, nor do i believe there is even a way to altogether believe that.

i guess that what i need to do is exactly what i am doing right now, which is to be cognizant of my own needs and all the things that im giving away, though hes never asked me for it.

And tonight when i ask him if he's sure that he doesnt want to come over, he says 'yeah, i mean, no im not sure, but i feel like i should stay home.' And i feel him. I know the feeling, and i should be thankful that hes willing to do what he knows he needs to do because he is the only one that seems to do that.

and he has only spent three nights at home the whole month of january. Its going to be exhausting for both of us--right at the beginning of the semester. He is teaching six classes this semester, moving, etc. I know that he has a lot on his mind, so it would probably be wise of me to take this time for myself too and get my own shit together.

while my feelings are a little nervous that he didnt come over tonight, i think all in all it was the best thing. And if he dumps me because we are away from each other for one night, then thats something.

and im still nervous, there are little things that come up: all of the times that ive driven him to the metro (though he never really asks), getting boxes for him, etc. All these things come up and my response to them is 'and he couldnt even come over?' When i know that those two things arent really comparable to one another.

Im gonna take it easy on myself and try to stay on the right path.

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