06.11.06 - 11:25 p.m.

my desire to get this out of the way. And here is the thing with me; i think that if i can write about something enough, then i can just figure it out. Everything is just this one, seemingly endless equation that if i just work on hard enough, ill get it. But im afraid that things arent necessarily like that, so maybe ill do it this way:

1) i am terrified of returning all of his clothes. Somehow wearing his perfectly worn tee shirts made me so happy. Content. I felt attended to. I felt like i was part of something; like there was someone in the fucking stupid and rapid world whose body had been in these sleeves and this shirt came out of a drawer with other tee shirts with other stories, and its all part of this persons life who is with you now. And how is it possible to give anything up?
2) I couldnt keep perspective if i surgically inserted it into my hand. Everything seems monumental and on the same page and just impossible to understand.
3) i cant seem to get a grip on anything these days. I seem to just walk around baffled. I cant figure out what in the world to do with this boy even though its ALL I EVER THINK ABOUT. Really. Really. Every goddamned minute of the day is this boy this boy this boy.
4) These 15,000 songs he gave me in this perfect birthday present.
5) The fact that none of those 15,000 songs include the Stones; my favorite band. And also, how sick is that that this is what i think of.
6) How will i ever listen to pinback again.
7) i know i will be able to listen to pinback in the same way that i was able, finally, to listen to komeda and now it really brings nothing other than a small twinge like an baby ant bite.
8) And how, when i call al, shes at his bar and shes wondering why im not there. And, probably, hes wondering why im not there, and the reason is because im mad at him for not being what i need him to be. And i dont go down there because of s--because he never wanted me to come to his bar.
9) the thing is, this guy is not taking this 1/50th as serious as i am, and everyone thinks im crazy. I should just be able to go down there, and if i ever tried to explain it i would seem melodramatic and weird.
10) it doesnt really seem like she wants me down there anyway. Peoples weird shit.
11) and our trips--the reason that, in some ways, i still miss d; we had a lot of fun together.
12) and maybe i really am crazy. im all over the fucking place; all the time.
13) i dont want to give back his hoodies.
13) i want someone who is so happy to be with me.
14) how did my sister in law, beth, know that my crazy brother erik was the one for her. He was drunk all the time, jobless, depressed. She knew. How do you know? Maybe you just know. Like i know writing is my savior and, at times like this, my heaviest burden.
15) do i even want to write? Sometimes i think i just want to disappear. Stop. Just Stop thinking all the fucking time. Its just exhausting. I just want a rational fucking response. I dont want people to shake their heads when they are talking about me. Confused and frustrated by me. And i have all of these amazing people in my life, well--all of these amazing women in my life, and im scared theyre going to get tired of me.
16) And jesus, i think this birth control is really making me crazy. I dont want to ( and im crying all of a sudden for no stupid reason. Im crying all of a sudden over this stupid chord progression. The one we sang and argued about. And its so meaningless--and everything throws me into a panic.)
17) i just want to feel happy. I dont want to notice myself anymore. I just want to exist, breathe in and out, without feeling like im gonna lose my shit.
18) and probably little of this has to do with him.
19) but im terrified of him not contacting me tomorrow. And im sure that his feelings are hurt that i didnt come in tonight. And probably i should have. And probably i should have.
20) i hate myself that i am making such a big deal out of this. My feeling, that if i told him tomorrow that i needed out of this, is that he would probably try and talk me out of it a little and then i would leave and then he would get over it and in the meantime i would be falling apart in the car.
21) and its possible that all of this is coming down to birth control. Im on it because he doesnt want to have sex with a condom. If i go off of it, it means no more sex without a condom, which means no more sex, which translates, to the end.
22) and as i write it occurs to me that there are all of these other voices in my head of people that ive talked to about this and i can see the confusion on their faces when i admit the situation. Its that i need to get out of it, and its as obvious as that.
23) and, somehow, all that i can think of is his happy face--talking--without any concept of there being a problem.
24) and goddamn im so fucking tired of feeling like this. Of feeling feeling feeling everything on a ten.
25) and i know hes tired of talking about it. I know hes tired of talking of all of this.
26) and im so scared of being alone. Im so scared of 2 in the afternoon.
27) and i miss the way that we used to be. How did we used to be? We used to have fun together. I think we did. I remember him making me laugh out loud.
28) i know that i am making it so that he has to fix me. i want him to fix me in someway. To make me feel fucking better. (jesus, crying again.) And every second that he doesnt, im madder at him. I want to laugh out loud with him again. I want him to hug me. And somehow, his hands in my hair make me feel so much better. It makes me feel so much better and thats maybe the scariest thing--like drinking makes you feel better.
29) i am hoping vacation helps.
30) i am hoping i get thrown a fucking bone; and soon.
31) would it be fair for me to just say; im crazy right now, and scared, and insecure, and im expecting you to fix me--trying to force you onto my team. But then--
32) thats the thing; is it dumb to break up with him when this thing will pass? Everybody is trying to talk me out of it. That hes bad news--that he might not even be a good person, and that makes me nervous.
33) But i cant seem to make a decision on anything. If i looked at this as a situation where i am afraid what am i afraid of? Being alone. Not feeling a man, hearing his voice, being in his presence. Not having sex.
34) hes not right for my life. he doesnt like my friends; they dont like him. He doesnt really understand or respect, i think, what im trying to do. He is so aggressive. Which i both like and am terrified by.
35) i dont know how to be normal around him now. Im with him everyday. What do i do with that? I cant remember what i was like before. I guess that i didnt take everything so seriously before. Things were definitely more carefree before, and i have definitely ladened this relationship with WAY more than it was meant to handle. This was supposed to be fun, and im trying to make it fill weird empty places in my soul. I guess in the same way that i did with jw. And how do you not do that? Am i really better off being alone and fixing myself before i am ever in another relationship. And, like he said, he is not offering me what i need emotionally--but who can?
36) and when he told me that i was getting needy and clingy, i think thats when things really changed. I think i realized that i couldnt be myself around him.
37) i think i realized that i couldnt be myself around him.
38) i think i realized that i couldnt be myself around him.
39) when im in a relationship i want to hold hands in the parking lot and i want to talk about neices and nephews and i want to talk about politics and i want to be invested and were both keeping each other at arms length simply because i dont want to and he does. And i think i was trying trying trying to get close to him and he was trying trying trying to keep me at a manageable distance.
40) we dont even talk anymore. About anything. I dont feel comfortable. Im always scared hes going to think im mushy or needy or too much. My desire is to reveal everything. I dont want to hold things close to my chest. I want to walk down the sidewalk and be able to kiss the person that im with. And the more i feel us never going in that direction the more withdrawn i get.
41) and im really needy right now--with everyone cause im fucking scared and im not very good at being alone with my fear.
42) im not very good at being alone with my fear.
43) and if his hand in my hair moves fear to a different room in my house, then it seems to rule all.
44) im obsessed with anything that will make the fear go away. And i want to be with someone who understands that and wants to see me through it. I dont think that being in a relationship means you never have fear anymore, but i do think it means that the person there with you in that room needs to hold your hand. And he wont hold my hand in the parking lot.
45) and i have something in my head that tells me that facing this fear is important.
46) i dont know what the fear is, but i feel like he is not the one to see me through it. Because i want him close to me, i want him to want to make me feel safe and good.
47) but maybe thats not healthy anyway--wanting, no, depending on someone to make you feel better.
48) i guess, finally, it comes down to the fact that i want something (what the fuck is it?) that he isnt giving me. I hate that--its just too fucking vague for words. What if i find this thing i need within my own self and ive given up this person. And its just so utilitarian. Hes not a fucking gas station. Who am i to demand? Of course, if i dont demand, than who does?
49) And all of the other stupid things: this is why people date, not every relationship has to work, blah blah blah, but how do you just get rid of whole people. Whole fucking people. The whole person--gone. Its just so hurtful.
50) and also, the saying that you have to look out for number one--well, yes, but i hate that. And maybe, the other thing that people say, i dont love myself enough. What the fuck does that mean? Enough for what? My happiness? Happiness?
51) its all so arbitrary. All the decisions. The thing though, this is upsetting me. Would i be more happy out of this than i would be in it?
52) and i guess, now, that im talking myself into something that ive already decided on based upon a set of variables that are meaningful and trite; solid and imaginary.
53) this is not war.
54) i want to be normal.
55) i will miss him

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