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06.07.06 - 2:08 a.m. well. lets just hash this shit out, shall we? I have a sore lip because he bit me. I have bruises on my breasts because he squeezes so hard. Over the past month, ive had two separate dreams in which i brutally killed my brothers--waking up and expecting them to still be dead. This boy and i were playing on the bed today and he pinned me good--fair--the pillow fell over my head and i freaked out. I was thirteen again. I tried to keep my shit together but i was taken right back. Right fucking back to my bed, the living room floor, the car. I cant breathe, baby...but i could and he could see that and it was just like before. And part of me cant help but wonder how much (if any?) of this current situation has to do with that. And its thrilling in a way that i dont understand when he pulls my hair too hard, when his hand is over my throat, his fingers in my mouth. And terrifying. And what do you do with something like this? What do you do with it? And i can believe that i am relatively open to sexual experimentation, but this. This. And hes kissing my neck like i love and its not hard enough and i tell him to do it harder and it hurts and i somehow leave myself--get blurry around the edges--step out of myself. And i guess, maybe, it would be different if i felt like i could talk to him about it. But hes got me in this place, ive gotten myself into this place. And maybe i should just tell it. Maybe i should just tell it. He tells me that i am needy and clingy that there is something in the relationship that hes "uncomfortable with." I dont know what to do with this information, so what i do with it is to completely back off. He doesnt like that either. He wants me to touch him all the time, kiss him, his hand in my hair. And all i can think is jesus christ, if this isnt manipulation than i dont know what the hell is. And, maybe, i dont really know what manipulation like this looks like because im not sure ive ever really felt it. But maybe ive felt it. Maybe it was the first thing i ever really felt with a man. This man in my life that i loved more than i loved anything--this man informing me on what love was like; first off. And he calls me bitch and he calls me cunt. And of course he's kidding. But how is that okay? And please know how ridiculous i feel saying all of this. Hes aggressive in a way that i sort of love because it feels like "A Man." But only sort of familiar to the men that im used to. My father--so quiet i vaguely remember him. One brother absent, the other one so present. Im gonna have to finish this later. I feel like shit. � 
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