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09.13.05 - 2:46 a.m. well, and also, he wanted to make his own decisions. "It wasnt about the drinking, kate, it was about suddenly not being able to make my own decisions anymore..." to hear him tell the breakup story is just bizarre. he thought that i was trying to keep him from making his own decisions. what the fuck ever. thats the thing. what the fuck ever. How in the world do people gauge their decisions based upon other people? Here i am thinking that i am doing this impossible thing...and here HE is thinking that i am a) making it impossible for him to make his own decisions and b) he is keeping me from writing. and MAYBE thats really it. I was thinking that it was his drinking, but maybe it really WAS me not allowing him to make his own decisions because i couldnt trust him as far as i could throw him, and HIM really, Honestly, not wanting to get in the way of my writing. And when he said, "Are you writing more" and i said, yes, what he had in response was an emphatic "good."...like that made everything we went through worthwhile, if he could AT LEAST think that ALL tha happened allowed me to WRITE more. And its so weird to get other peoples side of the story... "i dont know, kate, i just remember you telling me that your professors could see that you werent writing the same calibur of work since you were with me." and he said the 'since you were with me' segment guiltily...like he really felt worthless... and so i apologized, because his place in my life was my own choice. and in the end...he is STILL the one looking out for number one. and i am STILL the one wishing. he might go to germany. he might get his eyes fixed. he might open a subway, that isnt a subway but a roitessorie grill. in any case, hes still looking out for himself in whatever way he can. the time we spent together. driving to rockville, the crazy bus trip dulles, pizza after pizza after pizza. that shit doesnt go away... goddamnit if it never goes away. (see prior entry for more complete illumination) � 
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