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01.12.03 - 11:24 p.m. you know, when you think about your world, the small circle shape of it, well, when i think of my world, my place, the players, the all the time players are enough to think about. Thats enough, its very nearly too much. And then, on top of that, you have these other people to think about, these others to conisder; the sometimes players, the used to be players, the ones that are no longer playing, but the ones you hold onto nonetheless, the ones you keep bringing in regardless of whether or not theyve asked to be let out. THATS what it is. You ask me what it is that makes me so distant and i guess thats some of it. Sometimes the thought of that makes me protective, especially when there has been big changes in the lineup. In my case, players lost. So many. It doesnt make sense to distant the constants but i guess i do anyway in some sort of intent to reconstruct. And sometimes, of course, i just get so tired and it seems like everything in the world to move succesfully from one task to the next one. The new job, the absence of kirstin and dr. spieler, even though they werent present so much, the lack of that option seems like a burn. The old man who still haunts me, after nearly a year. What that meant, haunts me and i keep it to myself. The idea of moving in 6 months to a location entirely mysterious to me makes me touchy, all these things. The void-even after my mfa- what then. I shouldnt let it pile up, but i do because i havent really learned how to effectively slough off those things, those players. Does that make sense. Does that seem melodramatic? I think it does. on npr a man who is a college professor talking about how absurd it is these days (as opossed to the early 80's apparantly) to imagine that a professor would take sexual advantage of his student "it just doesnt happen anymore" and i think of the old man and fred and dr. spieler and i wonder about worlds that are not like my awkward circle. I think that part of me believes that everything is the same everwhere, that the world cant be big enough to house too many possibilities; it just doesnt seem right that things could be so different. I wonder about a world that is different than mine. "Part of the perks of being a professor is first year graudate students..." i wonder why i never considered that might not be true everywhere. I know that the tiny nature of my circle is not the same as everyone elses yet i cant imagine it. That things might be different. That at a different university he might have never asked to come over for lunch...that that might have been a different play altogether, that this factor may not have even been in consideration. I pull the covers over my head at the most centerpoint spot in my world, maybe for just awhile longer. Everywhere else seems huge. Do you know what i mean? That idea keeps me so close in myself, with my arms by my side, eyes straigt ahead, inside my circle, im sorry ive been unavailable. Do you understand though? How untrustworthy everything can seem, even inside your circle, how sometimes only your one inch of space seems right, like a raft in the middle of the ocean. You know? � 
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