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08.12.02 - 2:00 p.m. i dont know what the story with this is but it seems like bras soak up more Downy smell than any other article of clothing. More than jeans that soak up every smell, more than much larger pieces of fabric. All of my bras smell fabulous and all day long i smell it. This morning Kelly temp services called me and informed me that i would need to get medical clearance in order that i might take a drug test. For whatever reason i am entirely against this. There is something stuck in me still that feels like a superiority which im quickly coming to find is both unwarranted and potentially dangerous. There is a part of me that feels like after a $100,000 education i shouldnt have to stand in line with a bunch of junkies in order to secure a job...as a secretary no less. Its just the most infuriating and degrading thing ever. I, for one, know that pot i smoked at a party last month bears zero weight against whether or not i can answer a phone and book an appointment. The correlation is impossible. Yet. I got out of it anyway and told her id call her "later on." Which i might indeed when im truly truly jobless. I lack the ability to take chances. This will be my downfall. Maybe. I take some chances. I think. But not the potentially humbling ones. I again return to the massivity of all the things i could be doing right now. Working at the embassy in Paris, teaching miners in Denmark...im sure there is a website for me. But im here. I cant tell if this is self pity or desperation, or if there is a separation between the two. Im only worried that im not making the most out of being 23. Constantly. Life is unfair like that. By the time you figure out what you should have been doing at 23 youre 50 and you cant anymore. I wonder if many 23 year olds are doing what they want. I think i could be many things and be happy. So many thats its terrifying. I think i will take a personality test and see how it goes. Ill let yall know. In the meantime. It seems imperitave that i marry Matt Damon. And i dont say that in a 14 year old girl way. I say it in the same way i say that i will always love white cake. That same security. I wish "marry" wasnt so overused. Its like the opposite of "origami" which i think might be the greatest word and one word that you never get to say. Think how many times you have to say the word "sink" which is a naturally depressing word, as compared to how many times you get to say "origami" which-although not american at all- is a fabulously appropriated word that sits in a shiny oriental print box with the top closed. When i say i need to "marry" Matt Damon what i really mean is something shinier and something less earth tone, less easy to read over. I want to origami matt damon? That sounds sexual and i dont mean it like that either. Now i feel like i need to say something postmodern about the power of nomenclature or the limited grasp of the patriarchial language, but instead...Ill look out the window and sigh which is what a spend a great deal of my time doing these days � 
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