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02.12.02 - 6:26 p.m. heres the thing: i obsess. im not sure why. i do though and its tiring. anoop suggests that i dont obsess which is about as practical as advising me against breathing or peeing. part of me wants to never utter tim's name again in this venue and im sure my cherished readers agree that its getting old. but, 1) i halfway think though that i will obsess him out of my blood as i did eric. an exhausting play by play that ran its way through four and a half journals. 2) part of me thinks that i will pretend him out of me, but the idea of hiding from myself also sounds awful, or unforgivable, something that you cant get back once you turn your back on. 3) i have also considered leaving no time for things like this. ive considered scheduling myself into oblivion, a surprise to myself in the mirror, but at this point im terrified of realizing im 66 and foreign to myself and others. 4) maybe i should give myself over to it...take off work and lie in my bed thinking about his body next to mine...but no, thats terrifying too. what is left is an absence. what is left is fingers inside my stomach scratching for options. i think about that ani line....something something something about using your time wisely. part of me thinks that if i just keep waking up in the morning and breathing breaths and putting on pantyhose that this will run its course, like the flu, like the work day. the problem is my lack of fun. i need more friends and more drinking and more 22ness. i will work on this. in the meantime lucinda williams is saving my soul...country...who knew? but she makes me want to put on cowboy boots and grow my hair long and run away. in the meantime i will think about tim as little as possible. i will not go to his house unless i am certainly i wont be persuaded to forget all of this. i will not let him up my stairs unless he has a specific purpose, excluding anything that might happen in my bedroom. if i start to obsess i will do something else. i will not amuse the tendency to go away and remember his lips. i will look at other boys and realize that they can do all the same things with their hands and mouths. i will take on NO MORE boys with baggage. i will let girls in by the dozen and force everyone else to show me some i.d. i will not get puke drunk at this party and throw up in my own bathroom. i will not swim into myself and hide from my guests. i will focus my priorities. i will exercise and not spend that time thinking about tim. i will think very very very hard about the next person i let kiss me...i think a certain amount of reserve is called for concerning the tongues of strangers. i will treasure the people in my life who matter. i will focus on myself for chrissakes. at night i will sing before i go to sleep and maybe try praying. i will try to G-R-O-W even though i have no idea how to do that. i will do my best to stop thinking so much about tim and david and eric and find other things to fill that behemothic void. i will be honest in therapy. i will stop lying in general. i will respect myself even though i dont know exactly what that means. i will realign my priorities. is that something you do in a night? in a focused session? it seems like something you should write down, something that should be put on film and displayed on your bedroom wall. Can you really go into your brain and reconstruct it...resituate your pie graph? i am disappointed in how many horrible men i let into my life...i will stop doing that...the next man in is going to have to be damn convincing. i will fold my body into my bottom drawer and avoid anyone who wants to wear it. i will be asexual for as long as it takes to assure myself that its not enough. i will avoid tim until i can look at him indifferently...hmm...that feels impossible...i will make it possible. i will not let him back in so help me god. � 
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