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01.29.02 - 5:27 p.m. according to the worlds standards i was amoral today. it all started with the weather. its starting to get hot already in birmingham...hot with a cold filling, but hot none the less. I wore a peacoat and ended up tearing it off at a red light on my way into work. I was sweating and i wanted to go back to bed and it was 8 am. In addition to the weather changing was tim. In addition to tim was a slew of other things that i knew would render me incapable of any sense of concentration. I snuck into work late and called the bookstore...i couldnt work bc i had "a thing." I didnt even really bother with a reason. At lunch i began to think about my bike and for a moment the memory of my body over roots and creeks and bridges inched tim and his lips into a space beside my ears that wasnt so omnipresent. I decided on a graduate school seminar and presented it to my boss witha shrug. She complied easily...she's tired of finding things for me to do. I closed my eyes with my back to the office and willed the minutes by. I lied twice. In addition to that, ive lied before. My cubby faces the day and there is something terrible about knowing you cant go outside. There is something miserable and atrophying knowing that there are hours to go before youre allowed to leave. And im realizing that my name on the door and all the increasing responsibility is not something i want. Now more than ever what i want is to feel something beneath my feet. I dont want to wear loud shoes everyday and pantyhose and curl my hair. I dont want to smile smiles that make my mouth hurt and leave me searching for myself in the elevator. There is nothing about plush office chairs and a view of the lake that interests me and i am in the wrong place. I rode my bike hard today. I played hooky from work and i was the only one. I wanted to ride tim out. I wanted to use my legs hard enough that he couldnt follow. I focused on the feet ahead of me and the quick pull and release of my own breath. I listened to the sound of metal against root and let arms whip through brush and limbs and air. I counted the breaths that came in and took streams instead of paths. Part of me wanted to fall off...slide into the gravel and for one second think only of myself with no one else inside me. Part of me wanted the blood on the inside on the outside, and leaving. I thought of myself on my back watching leaves and sky instead of the pretty lips of this man i dont love. I wanted to just FEEL something of my own again. I wanted to know the curve of my waist and the quick sting of air hitting wound. Instead, the aching pull and release of my breathing was the same as wednesday night...the same as that saturday morning in the rain with flannel twisted around my ankles. I tried to recognize my own body and the feel of feet on pedals, i wanted nothing more than the narrow view of my path. I pushed my legs to feel their own blood and their own rhythm...their own muscles doing what im asking and under all of it was the same ache as my legs thrown over his hips. The same dulling heat as saturday morning. Tomorrow i will ache in all the same places and ill forget why. Tomorrow ill just wish he would kiss me again and tomorrow ill stay at work. � 
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