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01.27.02 - 1:58 a.m. i got a note today. i got a message from a girl in canada. in toronto where i have visited once and where i saw the Blue Jays, twice. It was a beautiful city. Not dirty like big american cities but crisp like the winter freezes everything off, cold. Not like birmingham cold where you can feel 100 years of dust settling in your lungs to stay warm, but cold in the rinsed sense. It was lovely...toronto and the note...both left me feeling a corner inside myself that im not used to seeing awake. I took the worst shower of my life tonight. We painted our bathroom miami. All purple and lime and hemingway and the walls were still wet from it all, and the curtains were missing. I took my dirty clothes and some sweatpants back to school where i used to live...i saw pretty andrew in the security shack and hoped he'd really make it big one day...said hello and then goodbye and parked and smelled everything familiar and felt my body sliiping back into the slouch of not enough sleep and shifty eyes and that chronic cough. It was mostly a tall square. I thought that would be the worst of it. It was clean i think but there was no lightbulb so i couldnt really tell. Her shower curtain follwed me all around the square, and with my eyes closing out pantene i could feel it wrapping itself around my calf and then my thigh and nothing could make me feel clean. It was lonely too. and again. Two people had sex in that shower yesterday. Raucous shower sex apparantly with giggles and soap in your eyes and someones errant arm that had torn one corner of the curtain out of place. That side would bend and cold air made its way in, everywhere, and the fact that i was alone was in the bend behind my knee and the crease of my elbow and the back of my neck. And since tim, being alone is the only thing i dont want. Well, i dont want tim either. I was fine being alone. i carried the faith that the right one was out there like a sheild, and i never faltered. I was used to the length and width of my bed with only my body in it and now i can never keep all sides of me warm at once. And yes, every inch of me knows that he is not worth waking up and feeling chilled over but there was a something there and now there is a nothing again. There was the one sure thing of how my head fit into his shoulder and now there's only the inconsistent dip of my own pillow that i can never get quite right. The truth of it is that we were like foreigners...the two of us in bed were speaking entirely different languages. He was on a quick track of familiarity and convenience and i...well...i was on something else. He was running the gamut and i was just trying to get my bearings and then he was finished and im just now beginning. and then, hes 31 and im 22 and now there is nothing left for me and i feel...uneccesary and dispensible which just didnt feel like a possible outcome at the moment. i know i am naive and i know i dont know much about sex and men and other complicated things and this is turning into a real inconvenience. � 
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