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01.06.02 - 12:48 p.m. well, so, from out of nowhere troops forth the entire legion of my demons. I awoke tis morning too hot in my flannel sheets and paused long enough to wonder why they feel so right when you first get in and somehow during the night become a little fabric furnace all around your body. I found that i had shed my sweatpants and sweatshirt and was busy sweating away in an undershirt that ive had since the 7th grade. I had some cereal and watched the rest of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory which i sometimes treasure and which i sometimes fear. Oftentimes i feel some sort of Wonka inspired pressure to be perfect and on time and innocent and it ends up just making me feel dirty and sad. It's cloudy outside and cold. My roommate is gone and its sunday. Tomorrow begins a whole new week of a job that makes me nervous and on cue enters my demons packed tight inside me like brillo pads. I leave the couch because sometimes its dangerous to cry on the couch on a sunday when its raining...its too cliche and you slip into a thousand movies youve seen and become some wealthy actress playing you, the simpering girl. I call my mom and shes a perfect sunday eating scrambeled eggs and watching "this old house" with my father who is wearing flannel and drinking coffee. I cant help it, my mom makes me cry. Not in a bad way, but in an overwhelming relief way. I come to her dressed in full body armor and im tired and sore and out of character and then after she says "hello" i get to be 10 years old again. I cant help it, i try to talk normally but i cry and then i dont stop, or ill stop for awhile and then ill start again. I spend an hour on the phone crying to my mom who is fully capable of cleaning off the breakfast table, memorizing all the steps to refurnishing old furniture and talking me off the roof all at the same time, and i imagine that I must be more than she bargained for. My brothers are self contained. They worry in the abstract sense. they never call anyone crying, and they "keep things in perspective." I have an incredibly difficult time "keeping things in perspective." In fact, i think i might have a disability. everything in my life is on the same plane, its the same size, its the same distance from my face and i cant see past it. I cant think about anyone else in the world supporting families off ten dollars an hour. I am incapable of considering that there are people out there with college degrees and no jobs. I cant stop to imagine girls like me that cant call their mothers with nothing but an hours worth of tears. I should be leaping with glee, and everynow and then i get a letter from gOd that says, "Hey, kiddo, yeah, ive given you everything." then i cry again, and i get dressed, and i feel appreciative, and under that ive put my demons down for an afternoon nap. nevertheless, they wake up and im on my back, on the floor, crying. I have to go to the grocery store today and buy groceries. Yes, i know that i am terribly spoiled, but this is the very first time ive ever had to buy a weeks worth of groceries. It seems unfair...like suddenly having to pay for your own saliva. I mean, its just always been there. Who knew i'd one day have to spend money on beef broth, the armpit of canned goods, the one thing you used to dare your brothers to eat for lunch. All of my older friends keep telling me that soon enough i will have an overwhelming sense of freedom and that i will never go back to my parents house again. That i will begin to drink Taster's Choice, and sprout an interest in local politics, that ill start thinking about babies and 401K plans and the state of the transmission in my car. I dont think i want any of this. Not that i want to stay young and party all the time and keep randomly disjuncted hours and eat nothing but pizza, but i dont like this stage. I am an adult. All of a sudden i am a grown up. But not really. People still consider me a kid. The other day i heard a professor of mine refer to a guy three years my senior as "a kid." What does that make me? What age are you definitely an adult? I mean...lets look at this: Kate McGann as of December 1st: expenses: movie tickets, gas fears: sleeping alone in the dark. impending move to new job Kate McGann as of January 1st: expenses: rent car insurance car payments electric cell phone regular phone groceries apartment furniture the fucking laundromat fears: hating my job never having enough money what the hell is that noise? are those rat droppings? homelessness never finding him do i have friends? pantyhose the downstairs neighbor crying all the time crying in front of my supervisors spending 8 hours a day trying to look busy not having a black jacket not being pretty not having the right clothes the copying machine my boss transfering calls (i always end up transfering calls to the cafeteria.) waking up at 6 am. not doing a good job not having the opportunity to do a good job being alone silverfish and/or spiders in my bed money money money crying all the time. I know that grown ups all over the world are smiling, remembering this time. And i guess i know enough about the world that at one point in time, i'll miss this stage, although, i cant imagine it. The Good Things: 1. my cubicle has a lovely view of a lake and trees and i can watch the day go by. 2. my neighbor has a dalmation named katphish who i get to take on walks and who knows when im sad...which is a lot. 3. no papers to write. For now, the weekends are nothing but sleeping and crying. 4. my weekend job at the cafe where all of the creativity that ive missed during the week gets steamed out in lattes and poetry readings and cooks named rasheed. 5. the fact that im not a half bad writer, and that my boss told me so. 6. I have my own place. Regardless of the fact that its putting me in a ridiculous amount of debt, i have my own sink and my own dish drainer and my own, well, animals behind the walls. 7. My roommate who remembers me from before and knows how to fix phone jacks. 8. My neighbors who always share their illicit belonings and power saws. 9. My red room which doesnt make me feel antsy, but beautiful and far eastern. 10. The possibility of the rest of my life. 11. God. I love God. What would i do without God? There is no way i could handle my present sitatuion let alone the entirity of my future. Anoop would say that this is a cop out. Thats fine. 12. My brothers who leave me encouraging voice mail messages and who still do that frog punch that leaves my arm sore for hours. 13. Their children who know my face and let me read to them. 14. My dad who understands everything about me, even though he never mentions it. 15. My mama. 16. Burt's Beeswax chapstick 17. Showers 18. SLEEPING 19. Gunde, who has been everywhere with me and no longer possesses his nose. 20. My friends, even the high maitenance ones, who watch me from afar when i excuse myself and melcome me back when im ok again. 21. Those people in my life who remind me that i am good to have around A lot of stuff � 
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