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2001-12-06 - 2:21 a.m. its late. i have to be awake early in the morning to head all the way back to chattanooga to go to work. I work at a gift shop/kitchen hardware store that started out with trendy and useful hardware and ended up being a haven for socialite tennis skirt types with money to spend on magnetic picture frames and vintage telephones. All in all its okay, but i spend a lot of time wrapping presents which im not necessarily good at. I have problems with depth perception...the paper i cut is either 40 times too big or its so scant that i cant wrap one tenth of it. I get in trouble for that. I do get paid at the end of the day in cash which makes for a nice albeit mafioso ending to a work day. several things in no order of importance: 1) will i really be happy if i dont marry a rockstar? i saw jump, little children in an accoustic concert tonight which kept me smiling for two hours. I drank too many expensive beers and saw too many kids from school i used to know who are basically the same kids they were then with less hair or tatoos or spouses. There were boys who were still treating girls the same way, there were girls who weren't wearing many clothes, there was a man and woman beside me who couldnt keep their hands off each other. But there were christmas lights wrapped around everything that wasnt moving...it was lovely and warm and it made me want to lay down and be the only person in the room. 1.5) i think everyone was really happy to be at the show. the band seemed happy and there were all these great kids on stage from the old school who looked like they were having such a blast. I was surprised how well you could hear. I wanted to both dance and sing along, but it didnt seem like the time or place. also i wanted to be wearing pj's and i wanted out of my boots and into nothing. maybe a hippie dress would have done...and i wanted long straight hair instead of my hair which is curly and blonde and stubborn. mostly i wanted to just be sleeping, and listening to jump...it was such a cozy scene. i wished that i had known somebody's shoulder well enough to rest my head on it...it was a night like that. 2) christmas lights: can anything be more wonderful than christmas lights? I cant help myself, i am becoming a real addict. Im moving into a new apartment and everytime im in kmart i buy more lights. Purple and clear and flashing and curtain and god...orange...every kind of imaginable light is in my apartment as we speak. Ill have to have a christmas light garage sale. 3) My apartment: lainy trailed a shoeful of dog shit in and really, the smell is still as strong now as it was two weeks ago. I keep expecting to walk into this place and KNOW that its mine...in the way you know your own pillow or your own toes...but it still feels like im trespassing. it feels like a boy's place. Mismatched furniture, broken chairs, beer in the fridge, boxes everywhere. My boss gave me a rug and a chair with flowers painted on it...and theres always the christmas lights, and these things give me hope. Plus i have a very industrious roommate robin who seemingly uncharacteristically knows more than her fair share about caulking and mice in walls and polyurethane...shes like bob vila and martha stewart wrapped into one...and she sings opera. 4) people want me to be a boy. or they want me to be a lesbian. these are my friends. every girl out there is looking for the male equivalent of their best friend. More than once a girlfriend has asked if id please grow the necessary package so we could date...and there is really nothing i can say to that, except to stop and wonder if there are boys out there saying this same kind of thing to their best friends, and then i think probably not. i just cant fathom the thought process that preludes the statement "why cant you have a penis so we can date?" more on fake laughs, the beauty that is jump, little children and flossing tomorrow.
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