11.12.07 - 9:29 p.m.
and here i am again with all of the same feelings. The difference is that now, instead of doing this immediately, i make some bath salts and organize a few things, i answer some student emails, i try to fix my itunes and underneath is the deep heart beating that nothing at all has changed.
We are fighting, though i am relatively sure that i am the only one feeling it. The only one feeling like it is the only thing that matters. In movies you seem to always be sure who you are supposed to root for and in your real life it always seems like you're to blame. You're the one who is being ridiculous and all those people who tell you that you need to learn how to trust, all of those people are in control of their arms and legs and heads and reactions and their deep pit feeling isnt loss. Their deep pit feeling isnt fear. Isnt a ten. They talk a little bit to their friends about "How dare he do this," and they say some things back. Its impossible for me to trust because the stakes are so high. The stakes are everything because when i lose i feel like i lose so big. And its possible that i feel this way because it keeps me from having to try. Or to "work at a relationship" or all the other shit that they say.
This fight, for instance, we both feel like we cant do anything right. And maybe we get all fucked up so that we become enough for each other. Im mad that he wont hang out with my (rapidly diminishing) friends and hes mad that im making him. Hes mad because hes given me money and im mad because i have to live up to whatever $500 means.
And clearly we have to talk, but talking seems so banal. And i dont even remember how to write anymore. I cant remember how it used to make me feel better. I guess i am afraid of losing him and afraid of admitting that i need an amount of time to find myself again. And this happens everytime. I throw myself into the relationship because i dont have anything else and then they say the horrid words "Youre getting clingy" or, with dan, "you're always nagging me." These are the kind of phrases that make me want to run away as fast as possible.
I have to admit that i have taken certain things for granted about him and i have gotten used to them. I like having his clean house to sleep in in between classes. I like the fact that his place feels like a home and it makes me want a home with him, and now hes telling me im nagging.
Nothing helps anymore. This writing to moody music doesnt help, smoking doesnt help, weed and beer helps for the night. Im tired of the concept of "finding myself" and i sometimes think that i would die without dan, that hes all over the place in my life, and im tired of being the one who always has to figure things out.
And i know whats happening. I am feeling this way because im getting fat and because im not writing and because every spare second that i have is spent worrying about school and about money. And maybe some of its happening because im tired or im on my period or a million other things.
The point is, the point is, the point is I am using him because i am scared about the rest of my life. And he says that sometimes he worries that i am using him like a drug because it takes my mind off of other things. This is true, i am sure.
And apparently i am feeling a little vulnerable because ive cried more in the past three days than i have in months.
"When you're sadder than sad, thats when hope drives you mad. When nothing feels true, hope preys on you."
Thats the problem here. Everything in me says to run after the Nag comment, but theres the something in me that has allowed some of myself over into his arena and i dont think i can get that back.
I guess, then, what i am left with is that i have to trust that we are strong enough to allow me to recreate myself. But i keep thinking about the things that exist that will recreate me and they are all solitary endeavours. And even if i cant get it back, i guess it doesnt matter all that much. Life keeps giving you stuff to work with.
And this happens everytime. I have one fight with someone and it just ruins me like this. I am rolling on the floor with grief and the next day, i find out it isnt a big deal at all. How do i ever reconcile the space between those two things?
Dr. Blum tells me to chill out and to let things be as they are. This really isnt the way i seem to do things...well i do everything that way EXCEPT for relationships. I am the laziest person on the planet unless its my boyfriend and then i am a hyper vigilant scribe of all occurrences, no matter how small.
My impulse right now, now that i am good and stoned is to call him and just make things better. Call him and love him until everything is okay, but im pretty sure that i am supposed to talk about things like this when they bother me.
And there are all these other things: Thanksgiving at Joels, Christmas at his folks. All of these things seem, suddenly, so strange and up in the air as if they were conversations about whether or not to see a movie. They seem so intangible as if they were never there at all. But theyve already shouldered in a space in my heart that, if removed, will ache raw and red for months.
And ive gotten over every other boy. I know that its possible and plausible and in fact an assurance. But what is there to do with all the split second memories that exist in your head for no good reason at all: the sharp view from his old living room window, the different brown of his shoes, all the smells that will always be all his.
And why am i spending these quiet moments by myself outlining our imminent separation? This isnt like me post meds. I guess because we had a fight that made me cry and he didnt try to make me feel any better.
And i guess there is, too, that i am under a lot of stress. Very unfamiliar stress. And the excess and ceaselessness of it.