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04.26.05 - 2:07 a.m. there is some sense, of course, after a night like tonight, that i would try to make some sense of my life. Here are things that i know: 1) i thought that with patrick i would have one for sure relationship with a boy that i could feel safe with. He is dating my good good friend, i dont want to steal him away from her, im not even really attracted to him. I thought, perfect, he is the safest. And then, the conversation. The conversation where we convince each other that there is nothing between us, and he is asking me point blank questions and all i can say is 2) when i was growing up, men looked right past me and i dont trust myself as a woman. He told me outright that i didnt do anything wrong, that even if he tried he couldnt think of a time where i gave him conflicting information, that i was a perfect lady so to speak, but there we are, at the malt shop, having this conversation in a realtionship i paid attention to so that we would never have this conversation or maybe 3) i picked him because he was a challenge, and if i could get him, then i must be something. Something. Even though i didnt want him, i would be something, i dont know, maybe i tried to do that. I dont know because 4) i was always the ignored girl. And somehow, it still surprises me when im not, and the conversations that i have with these boys after im not the ignored girl anymore confuse me because 5) i desire a friend who i can poke in the ribs without hitting on him but 6) i enjoyed the look on his face when i poked him in the ribs that said 'we have something she and i, we have something that means something in my heart' and isnt that finally, what we are all looking for? To dig into someones heart and plant ourselves there? and 7) it was so ridiculous to have this conversation with him about 'whether there was something between us' because i wouldnt date him if my life depended on it so i 8) had to tell him that maybe i was needing attention and so i focused on him, regardless of whether or not he was taken and i just wanted to tell him that 9) we didnt need to be having this conversation because there was nothing between us other than the fact that our awkward sharp edged puzzle pieces somehow fit into each others and it AGAIN amazed me that 10) people have relationships with each other at all. Am i really fucked up? And if so, how do i change that? Maybe my life is focused around being validated, and if that is true then it seems pretty hopeless to try to heal it. To me, that seems like a process of waiting it out and trying not to fuck up too much in the meantime because 11) i had a hard time not laughing when he said 'obviously we are attracted to each other' because 12) yes, i guess i am attracted to him in some way, but not in any real way. Im attracted to him in the sense that he is a swing vote. Will he come to my side? He is a test, and how do you tell someone that? 13) Its not you, its your gender. 14) sometimes, when i have conversations like this where one half of the party is serious and concerned, i feel like a farce. 15) "patrick," i want to tell him "dating you seems about as much as a reality as spending the rest of my life on venus." I want to tell him this, but he is serious and concerned becuase in his life, emotions mean something, and 16) in my life, maybe they dont. shit. � 
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