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02.25.08 - 12:43 a.m. I am feeling very gloomy today. Stuck. It does seem to be the general mode lately. I am definitely drinking too much. I think, simply, it is a habit, but i am getting used to it. I guess my life is like this. I delete concerns off the list and move onto the next one. When i was so poor, drinking too much was the last thing on my mind. I havent left the house today. I worked last night, got home at 1, went to bed and woke up this afternoon at 3. Three oclock in the afternoon is just too late to be waking up, especially when there is no leaving the house. I havent even gotten out of my pajamas. I guess the thing is that daryl, the neighbor that brings me bread, knocked on my door today, when i opened it there was a bag of bread and i said, "oh, thank you!" and he said, "have you not left your house today? thats been there since this morning. what are you doing? Hibernating?" I felt immediately guilty and like, that feeling when you are stoned and then suddenly you are aware that you are...that snap. Its like i had been asleep all day. For some reason i have been on a real spiral of self hatred lately. Today, and lately since ive gotten my paychecks, its been my Business Writing class. I hate it. I hate everything about it but the paychecks. And my boss is visiting my class tomorrow and im already super scared of her. Im sure that there are professors in my position who are not as good as i am, but i cant help only seeing how miserable of a choice i am, and how i have nothing to offer and how i WANT nothing to offer. I havent taught since last monday! no class tues and weds, thursday i bailed, friday it snowed. I feel all strange and achey and, of course, am hating myself too for not getting more done. And then there is the desperate feeling that none of this matters at all. I get so uptight about everything and it drives me crazy and i think the reason is that i dont have any feelings for myself as far as my abilities go. I think i am a good person, but i just lack the confidence of someone who feels like their work is meaningful. Sometimes i get that feeling teaching, but most of the time its just something i have to do before i go home. I cant even get stoned enough right now. I want the smoke coming out to be much more blue, thick, meaningful. And back to that same idea that nothing helps anymore. I am cold and shivery, but its too early to go to bed if you wake up at 3. Ive only been awake for 10 hours, most of them spent on and off the couch. Oh man, the laziness is the worst. But even when i am out in the world, i feel as if i must be invisible. I feel like i am losing touch with things. And i know this is part of the medicine so that i wont feel so suffocatingly in touch with the world, but the loss feels so foggy, like wearing a wet sweater, or with a thin layer of oil over my body, like i can only feel a hint of the air. And there is dan, who seems helpless, but i know, is. He is helpless to help me. These things are small vacant chilly holes within the heart of me--the hole chest filled with loopholes that never seem to alter. In fact, i should be proud of myself in some respects. I didnt go to dans tonight and waste time loving him and watching tv. I COULD have gone over and dealt with everything in the morning, but i didnt. I did do some focused work, grading, planning, emailing, etc. I guess it is hard to find meaning in your life. Literally, meaning to your life. Youre supposed to give yourself meaning, i guess thats part of our jobs as human beings for some reason. People ask what is so bad about conflict because of what you learn, but i feel like thats full of shit if the conflict is ongoing. People that experience conflict are people that arent used to it. They are people who have somehow found meaning, and so when the conflicting times come around they really feel them. Life seems a conflict, one after another, and not necessarily in a bad way, i guess you do learn something--you learn how to handle conflict that will come up later. Which makes life nothing more than a learning curve that teaches conflict resolution. Everything in terms of conflict and, purportedly, resolving that conflict. Hm. Now, i guess im stoned. I wish i could relax. I feel like meditation used to really work for me, but i feel it less now. Oh man, i really dont want the stresses of tomorrow, each one so subtle with all these specifications. � 
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