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03.01.07 - 1:44 a.m. So shea is telling me that she is noticing changes in me since ive been on the bc and she was so scared to tell me, but I think shes right. The way im thinking about dan, the way im thinking about money, the way im thinking about weed. Totally consuming. I guess that I probably think about dan so much of the day. Why is it that when I write in Microsoft word I feel so lazy. I miss home. I miss the south, and I have been thinking of it so much lately. And I guess that I want to sit down with dan and say, you know what, im feeling really insecure in this relationship now and im just wondering how you feel or if you can help me get over this feeling. But I don�t even know why I bother to ask him at all. He can tell me all the things in the world and its never going to make a permanent dent. It makes a dent for as long as hes with me and then it all goes away when hes away from me. When im with him I become this person that�s Dans Girlfriend and I think that I do the girlfriend thing pretty good for a complete faker. I just took some codeine and I really hope it sets in soon. Tonight shea and I talked about all the crazy shit we did to ourselves when we were little. I used to make cuts into my face and the tops of my hands waiting for someone to notice me; she used to bang her head against the corner of the bathroom counter until her head swelled up�and shed do the same to her eye. And I just cant seem to keep my shit together. Everything seems like something that I cant count on. Nothing feels like it wont break. My music which is the one thing I count on consistently stops playing. Its some crazy itunes thing with the computer ill never understand. So�again�pay someone to fix it; I cant. And these are the kinds of thoughts that have been pervading my head so that im absolutely impotent of action. I gotta lift the veil of this, but I don�t know how. Everything seems like the biggest deal. I have no sense of perspective. God I just wish I could have one of those slow makeout sessions with that one song that you find that makes your body feel all light and like you want to be touched and you know that when you are your body will feel so good in a way you cant make for yourself. One of those slow ambling wet transcendent makeout sessions. I cant have these with dan. You have to let go to have one of those. And that is something I don�t seem to be able to do these days. In fact im having an even harder time than I ever have before. But I don�t want to belabor dan with all the girl shit that happens in my life, but I don�t seem to have a sense of what I should tell him and what I shouldn�t and when I talk like this it makes me feel like I shouldn�t tell him anything at all. And I know that he both likes and hates that about me. That I don�t talk. And I convince myself that he doesn�t want to hear it anyway. And so nothing is said and I get mad at him because hes giving me the cold shoulder and why cant he ever come to the table. Or, I guess, why cant I count on him to say the things that I cant say. I guess ive always done that �And so ill say the thing that you want to ask but are too afraid to, �White Rabbit� would you like to come over to my apartment sometime this week, say Monday or Thursday but I don�t know your schedule and you don�t know mine so lets say Wednesday.� Is that along the lines of what you wanted to ask?� And I don�t know�if I wanted to ask, wouldn�t I have? Don�t people do what they want to do? This is how ive gotten people to take care of me in the recent past. They assume I don�t know how to do for myself so they do and think for me and I follow their path. And I guess, wouldn�t that be a tiring exercise. This is what makes me want to start all over and move across the world�where, although, I would certainly find myself in the same situation as quickly and diligently as possible. What is there to be done? In this way, I see what alaina is talking about, shes not ready to break up with Chris yet. Sure. What else is life but that? Maybe bc is making both of us crazy. � 
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