01.30.07 - 10:32 p.m.
because im stoned and because its all cold cold wind outside and, for once, i found the perfect song to listen to, i feel like talking more about dan. Here is an email from him:
Thanks baby girl - I feel better after reading your note. I'm fairly stressed and angry about it but it means alot when I hear your support. Of course, you can stay over - you made my day by asking that! I'm dying for a cold IPA - maybe we could pick up a few? Talk to you soon. Hope your class goes well
there are all sorts of things that i dont understand about this exhange. When i spend time with my other friend's boyfriends i cant understand what theyre doing with this men who arent one tenth inside what i know is inside. I think about dan--and i dont believe that he is what he says he is. Not that hes lying, just that he doesnt see what he is. Which sounds really vain or deferential. There is also the fact that hes a real dick when hes drunk and i really wanted to be done with that. Simply because when im drunk all i want is to be loved and held and attended to. And im tired of being the only one on that ship.
and i send him a text message and he sort of has a lot to make up for. It would be nice for him to text me back but he wont because its against his beliefs. And i guess that his priority will always be first. I feel im always the one saying how i feel. Gross. What a disgusting sentence.
whatever. this doesnt even matter worth anything at all. nothing seems to particularly matter.
hes small and completely covered in hair and i dont know how i feel about him at all. Half the time im painfully into him, neurotically into him, the other half of the time im wondering if hes gay or if he likes me at all, or if hes using me because he doesnt have any other friends in the city, if he really means it when he says that he loves me, if i really believe it when either of us say it.
i want to just believe in him, but i dont know how to make myself. I see these things that arent necessarily big and i feel that i blow that way out of proportion. Why. I must want out in someway. If he dumped me. If he dumped me, i would keep on waking up in the morning. But my heart would feel achy and i would cry without realizing it, and i would lose sleep and send him drunk messages and hate him. And think that hes the only one for me. Sometimes i feel like i cant help feeling like im inside a cage and the person that i think i want to be is just outside watching. I see my friends with the face when they look at their boys. And i feel jealous. i cant tell if i have that face for dan anymore. Last night and this morning i was just so tired and dry as a bone and completely uninterested in having sex with him; really only interested in the idea that i didnt. But we had sex because i cant stand that refusal. Im not anywhere near that yet. If i say no once he might leave me. And then what.
then i reverse everything and i think that im so unbelievably lucky to have him that i send him random over the top messages and then feel stupid about it and then feel like it was the best thing in the world to do. I feel so pulled between being safe in love and giving every single thing regardless of the repercussions and do boys really like girls that do that? Dont i remember my mom telling me that "Men like a mysterious woman. Purple eyeshadow"?
and i know that tomorrow i will help him clean up his house because i dont know what in the world i want, but i certainly will continue to punish him for not being able to give me what i need. But maybe i say it like this so that i can give away responsibility for a relationship that i really dont feel like im ready for. Though when is anyone ready for a relationship. And i guess this is what people do when they have obsessive thoughts. I thought it was just the product of being a gemini.
im so scared of being in love with him. But i tell him that i am all the time. And hes stopped telling me and i dont need this to be a situation where we are both trying to have the control. For the first time in my life i feel like i have friends where this isnt the situation and i even feel like dan is one of those friends, but i cant trust it enough. And i doubt everything all of the time. Nothing is safe inside my head.
and sometimes weed helps me put things into perspective and sometimes it takes everything right out of the box and dumps it on the floor in a big mess that i cant even begin to do anything with other than name the parts.
im super baked. Im going to get into the bath, smoke some more and wash every spot i have.