|
|
09.02.06 - 11:42 p.m. Here is my very first entry about THERAPY which i have a sense will be the first of many. i finally went. I feel apart just like i thought i would. Heres what she said: 1) youve been sexually abused. Well, that is the biggest thing. Thats what she said, and i said "I have?" And she looked at me, and she said, "Yes." Then she asked me so many lame questions--"Do you ever feel like its so bad sometimes that you just want to end it all? That you dont want to be alive anymore." Well, of course. Who DOESNT want to not be alive sometimes? Who doesnt long for an option other than the deadining and constant monotony of everyday walking around? She foresaw a long term therapy plan--which i dont have insurance to subsidize. My other brother offered to pay for it. This whole thing is fucked. I should know that everytime i contact j it throws me into a crisis. I guess i do know that, but when has that ever stopped me from doing anything. She said that she wants to me "Concentrate of myself. Discover myself." This, to me, sounds like a VISA card commercial. Or, i guess, CitiBank would be more appropriate. Seriously, therapists get paid to tell people this. I guess, though, that in some impossible way this makes sense. I DO need to concentrate on myself, but that means not concentrating on others and that is lonely, and frankly, im tired of being lonely. Maybe this would help me feel less lonely though--if i really did get to know myself. Although, god, ALL I EVER DO is think about myself. I am in my head one hundred percent of the time--i dont know how much more work i can do on myself. i also dont want to believe that my brother sexually abused me. I dont know why, really, except that it seems like the worst thing ever. What does my home mean if thats true? Also, if my home doesnt mean what i thought it did then my home has to be wherever i am and i dont think im ready to give up my home. My mom and i talked today like we always have, and then my dad and i. Its a weird situation, but i dont know how weird. I really dont know how to feel about it. im glad im in therapy--i believe it can help. Im in some serious woods. Ive heard people say its the best thing theyve ever done for themselves. I hope its true. � 
|