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10.12.05 - 2:58 a.m. its hard to explain, the feeling...its as if i am going faster than i am, or faster than i know what to do with. And i often feel like this and usually these are the times where i look back and say, hm...that wasnt very good thinking. my fingers are so sore from playing playing playing. today was a perfect day. i made $20 an hour talking to my new officemate and drinking free diet dr peppers, after that i came home, drank a beer, poured another into a solo cup, walked to a bar, figured out my piece with patrick, went to 7-11 bought lip balm, said goodbye to patrick, met john, went back to my house, got my guitar, went to his house, played and played and played...for ourselves and sarah, and here i am now, at 3:01. And if i can really make my life work like this, then i am happy. the thing is, ive never really had a grasp on making my life like i want it...it really, more often than not, happens to me, but tonight was perfect. except that i forgot to call my friend al back and now i feel guilty for that as is my way. i think that all along i could validate this job that i KNOW isnt in my heart by the fact that it was allowing me to do certain things, and tonight was perfect proof of that. but something underneath as well, something that still scares me, that i dont know what i am doing. all i do is overanalze things. thats what i do, and i dont really want to change that because im scared that means i will stop being a good writer. i just want to do things right. thats all. its just that i see certain things coming true...if you are mean to boys, then they love you. but, i know, thats the wrong boys, but still. its like my confidence is suddenly this secret weapon that i never knew i had and i dont know what to do with it. and i dont know what it is about myself where i cant be happy with anything without worrying that its pointing to something bad. Because, regardless, the bad things still happen whether or not you plan for them. and my family plans...thats what we do. We plan for catastrophes and when they happen we say, "see, i told you so...", but if theyre going to happen anyway, then whats the point of worrying? there is something about me and my friends where its almost like weve all agreed that im going to fuck up if im not constantly watching myself and i dont know who started that...presumably me, because only yourself can really start something that detrimental, but in any case, its there. And so, in defense, i am fighting against that by doing what feels right, and-more often than not-what feels good. and im not sure its a bad thing. i do know that i am going to have to be careful over these next couple of weeks to remember to call people back, because i always beat myself up over things like that when i dont do it. s and d's birthdays passed without me even thinking about them...i think that is a step in the right direction. pierre and i are in a fight. weve gone two weeks without talking...i didnt know we were in a fight until he didnt call me after a few days, but it appears that i am not really supposed to say whats on my mind when it contends with whats on his mind--its always so weird when people move spheres in your life. i miss him sorta. sorta. sorta. sorta. that seems to be going for everything these days. still hard for me to get hardcore over the band which seems to go in fits and spurts depending on how we decide we want to feel/make the other person feel...probably not the best combination, but it sometimes feels fiery, and that...is good for art. and the radar...they know when youre not feeling it, then they swoop back in and freak out. im sure i do it too. i do feel like sometime, things will be easy with someone and it will cloud all of this over so that i will feel free to have children with said easy person and thus fulfill my contribution to humanity...in the meantime i will probably continue to drink too much and have unwieldy spoken and unspoken conversations with men that will oneday vaguely remember me. � 
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