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09.06.05 - 8:33 p.m. i guess, that things are worthwhile to think about... i know the following: im tired and afraid...it used to be that i was tired of not having enough money, but i think that i am just tired of myself and not being able to make things work out. and things really are working out and i know that i have it better off than a lot of people...i know all of that, i just feel like i am struggling constantly to keep my head above water, and i dont really know what i am doing with myself. i just want to feel safe and good again. but even when i think about it...i am so jealous of my brothers and their lives that exist within a 20 mile radius of the house we grew up in. Their wives and their babies and their jobs and everything that is familiar to them. Theyve been taking the same road home for 35 years...think of it! and i know i am the one that keeps leaving and i am the one that always goes away and i think there must be something to that but i dont know what it is. i called mama and she is giving the little girls a bath...i talk to jolie first and she tells me that she misses me and then little eliza who manages with great struggle "hi!hi! kaykee" and it makes me cry every time but it seems so so far away at the same time. and i know that things are about to happen in my life, that almost certainly im about to get really busy, and that is going to make me feel better...at least, i hope that its going to make me feel better. alaina always says "Wherever you go, there you are..." and that alternately feels like the most terrifying and wonderful thing. You can never get away from yourself, and i guess that can be both a good and a bad thing. And when i think about the things that i used to be sad about, it was that i didnt have a boyfriend, that i didnt really think that boys found me attractive at all, and now...now i just realize how far that can get you away from yourself--being with someone else. And maybe theres a good way for it to happen, i dont know. I mean, im sure there is...i guess i just feel tired of thinking about all of the work that i have to do on myself before im going to be happy. Its scary. When i think about being in a relationship i cant even really fathom it. I feel like i dont know myself at all sometimes...or if not that, i feel like im surprised by the things that i do and the situations that i get myself into. i think that the people in my life as far as friends go, dont have a lot of time on their hands...they either have serious 9-5 jobs, or they are in a serious relationship. Me, on the other hand, i have this spare time...and i want to do good things with it like write and pay attention and be attentive to what im doing with myself and in my life, but i find that i cant...that i end up, i guess, feeling sorry for myself. but i really never wanted to be one of those people who have to throw themselves into things to get away from themselves...i wanted to be happy with who i was under whatever circumstances, but its becoming really difficult to do that i think. i just keep thinking that once i get a job things will change. It will still be wherever you go there you are, but somehow i feel like i will have less time to fuck things up or make my life unhappy. Because everyones life is hard but the more time you have to think about it, the worse off you are...which is totally something my mom would say, and also, i think it goes against what writers do, which is really to sit and think. But people like pierre, they dont write things that mean anything to them...they dont get down into their souls and spend time with the nasty stuff thats down there...and wouldnt that be a relief for me. But i cant imagine it...trying to find something worthwhile to say that doesnt come from my soul. i mean, one of the basic premises of writing, is that you write to understand...your own life, the world, terrors, etc...and i dont see any point to it if that doesnt occur. But his writing is really good. Classy and mature and confidant...but it doesnt make me feel anything and it isnt intended to. and im not saying anything that i want to be saying. i miss my mom. i miss feeling safe and loved and attended to. i miss having people around me so that i can stay out of my head, and i know that having people around you so that you can stay out of your head is a ridiculous crutch, but it seems like the happiest people are those that have someone depending on them...and that have someone to depend on...and i know that i do have that with my friends, but they are doing their own thing...they have their lives, and mom always told me that you depend on your family, that you shouldnt make your friends beholding to you. so what then, basically. i feel alone. tired. sad. scared. and i know that everything will work itself out. i know that. it always does for me, even when i go through these really dificult times. and i will do the wrong things sometimes, and those wrong things will come out of a desire to feel better. pierre was to feel better, less alone. Same with Chris...and maybe i pick these people because they have these lives that i am jealous of...they have people that love them and that they live who are right next to them and i am jealous of that and want it for myself, so i try to make it for myself, even if it means--erroneously--trying to steal it from them, especially when they never intended to share it with me in the first place because they cant. And, probably, they are scared too, of something. or maybe they just wanted to get off. how do you make sense of anything in the world. my loneliness gets me into trouble. i wish that i could learn how to use it so that it isnt constantly controlling me. i am so tired of feeling so anxious and so scared and so alone, and i dont know what to do about it. � 
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