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10.30.03 - 1:15 p.m. and i dont know if i would have ever thought the day would come where a b/b- on a paper would hit me with such heartbreaking clarity. Man, its just the worst and it let all sorts of other monsters out of the closet. Its a lot easier to stand in front of a closet full of monsters when someone is helping you hold it closed but this is the first time that someone here has had something really bad to say about my work. And i wouldnt feel bad but i knew what i turned in was terrible and it was like pulling teeth and what i am in graduate school to work on, my writing, is put further and further back on the list of importance and what i really enjoy doing here, writing, is something that is lost in the shuffle of Woolf and Faulkner and Shelley and Keats and the writing center and the writing series and everything else that i have to jump over to get to whats important and indeed, to get to what my money is going for. Its just weird, its like going to get your masters in theatre and taking all sorts of chemistry classes. Granted, literature is obviously important to be familiar with in terms of ones own writing, but it really seems to be the emphasis here instead of a supplement. The big hitters in the literature department are all literature professors and the writing professors sort of come in and out, they arent really tied to the department, what they are interested in is their own writing, and rightly so but it leaves the writing students they are supposed to be instructing in the cold. And i dont know if all of this is coming from this terrible grade but there is something wrong and im not really sure what it is. I am more committed than i have ever been to school and i am pulling in grades like this. But to be honest, its the same concerns that i have always had with papers. Ive never been very good at them, theyve always been a real struggle here and i guess the thing i am really upset about is that i didnt fool her as i am able to fool most of my professors. But that doesnt feel like all of it either. They part i work the least hard on is writing. Thats it. Writing comes easy, and the things i turn in in class are lauded with no real criticism. What am i learning? Instead, i stress and stress about 8 page papers because theyre not easy for me. Its just backwards. If i was getting real instruction with my writing, that would be one thing, but as is, i feel like the struggle of my life here is writing papers on woolf that not only mean nothing to me mentally and emotionally but they are the things that are holding me back from really succeeding in this program which is supposed to focus on my writing and doesnt at all. I mean, ive done my duty to the world of literature, i was an english major for chrissakes, and im done with it. Why punish myself more with classes that are just going right back into doing the kind of work that i am not interested in doing anymore? So what am i thinking? Maybe that i will start looking for a full time job here and when i find one, drop out of school, work that job, take writing classes at bethesda which is 1/10 of the price and highly regarded and see if i can do it that way. I dont know. I dont know. I dont know. � 
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