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05.07.03 - 7:03 p.m. i have been thinking some things. that when listening to interpol...its like a pain, in my chest. it makes me long so much, for something. It makes me afraid that i will never own something that makes me feel so much. That i will never have it for myself. Mine. And that part about love not being selfish, i dont believe it. Its that that i feel. Like i want the whole of it inside. And maybe not own...maybe something more like, possess an unarguable part for myself. It was the same way with that boy that i loved so so much. More than i understood, more than i knew what do to with. He wouldnt take it, he wanted nothing to do with it, but i couldnt put it down anywhere either and so i carried it around with me all the time. All the time. Does this make sense? I could never find a hole big enough to house that. And i think i am afraid that i never will and so i will pare it down and down and down until its a little more managable. Until it fits something human and possible. I am talking about love here, i think, or obsession, or dependency. Interchangable. I was thinking that when i listen to interpol it aches. And what if nothing is ever that important. This sounds silly. I know. Have you ever had so much displaced feeling that it seems terrifying. And in the end they are silly boys who fall in love with models like everyone.
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