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04.19.03 - 2:30 a.m.

it occurs to me that i cant really remember anything that happened this week. Nothing but one short stretch of a work week, cigarette breaks, movies, some food, and beyond that, really, beyond that, nothing.

i think i have been mostly concerned with getting to field day fest.

i have to go and the agony of almost not going is nearly killing me, nearly.

also, i have been thinking a bunch of how i would like a boyfriend as the only boys who are flirting with me are married and that phenomenon in my life is amazing and my husband will cheat on me and i will find out about it when i am making out the grocery list, when i am in our shower. I will pick up the phone and it will be her, i will hear about it from the classics professor across the hall and i will close my office door and cry, but underneath all of that, i think i will know that i deserved it. And that is strange.

i dont mean to do this. and i am sure that it is some sort of defense mechanism and if i had a boyfriend i would happily stay with him and not stray, but in the meantime, those lingering stares that pull your bodies together and that touching, as you pass, your hands, wrists...in the meantime that is the thing that settles and remains.

that is the thing that you remember when you are alone in the car, smoking, when you are in the shower, getting between your toes, you know?

it is late.

i am relieved to sleep in...

i want to say more but i am too tired to start anything big, you know?

the ice princess and i watched memento tonight. i am allowed 2/3 of the couch and he stays folded into the rest, our toes dont touch and if they do, i apologize. its miserable, im just not like that. i suppose it is kind of him to allow me the majority, but i AM taller. i wish i could put my feet in his lap without the world ending, not because i am in lust with him, simply becasue it is nice to watch tv with your feet in someones lap, and i want him to feel that. i feel like thats part of my responsibility to him, or maybe, part of the challenge. but its becoming less of a challenge and more of an annoyance. If i was standing with my arms wide open to him he would stand in front of me for the rest of his life with his arms crossed until i gave up and stepped aside. i dont understand people that arent so relieved to set the weight of their heavy self maitenance aside for two hours on the couch, with a friend. i dont know what else to do with him but i imagine it must be lonely having only yourself to make room for; never having anyone else's ankle resting against your knee, having the whole of your body to yourself, always.

apparantly i need to get laid :)

nighty me sweets.

Listening: the new yo la tengo album

Fascinated By: Ravi Shankar, tea tree oil chewing sticks.

Reading: TKAM, still, atticus of my heart...i wish he would call me baby.

By the way, i CANT wait until someone calls me "baby." Can i help that nothing else is sexier? Well, stick shifts are nearly equal in sexiness...now, if someone said "baby" while shifting into fifth, well, fuck, thats a whole different story.

More on fifth gear tomorrow.

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