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04.07.03 - 1:06 a.m. that day with the old man, terrible and meaningless, there were things that were said that i hadnt considered, things that present themselves while im cooking dinner, while im on the phone with rich women. "You know, kate, you dont ever really know what youre doing...being 40 doesnt mean that NOW you know whats going on, that NOW youve GOT it. You would think i would KNOW better than to be right here, right now, holding you of all people. You would think i would KNOW better than that. But, i dont. I mean, i do, but when it comes down to it, i dont. When it matters, i dont know any better." And i think this is the problem with me. "Why dont you WRITE kate?" says my mom who thinks that i should be getting things published, who thinks that i should be writing little stories that she can show her friends or things that might get published in our mountain newspaper; 13 pages of grammar errors and whos building what kind of addition and in what neighborhood. I dont know what to tell her and i dont know why i am applying to a fiction writing program that i will be paying for for the rest of my life when i cant seem to begin or end anything. And the problem is, that i dont know anything, really. The problem with writing is that you have to know things that the majority of people know inherently but have never given words to. Well, thats hard, you know? ITs not like being an accountant. There are a billion accountants out there applying all of the EXACT same techniques at varying places. They have to think but only within the confines of the numerical structures they have been given. BUt writers, they have to KNOW things. They have to KNOW every shade of human behavior in order to remain believable. And i just dont know that. I dont know how people are going to react to things i am constantly surprised by how people respond. I just dont know if any 23 year old could do this job. Writing is nothing more than presenting an experience in such a way that people out on the street can sympathize with. Its to provide a comrade for someone that feels their sitation is singular, and for some reason that task feels just so daunting. Later after everything had ended he says "...in part, this can be attributed to kate's insight into the deep wells of the mind, her ability to control narrative distance, and her emotional maturity." Maybe if i knew the difference between that statement and "please forgive me, i was confused but im sure you will understand because youre so mature...". I sort of believe it, and i sort of acknowledge that i was made to present something that no one else was made to present. I belive that i was but i dont know how to do it. I know that i am supposed to and i am willing to do whatever it is, but that doesnt change the fact that i am constantly shocked by life to the point that when i need to write all i can do is fall into a responsibility triggered coma. How will i come out of this. I feel like i am constantly being riddled with tiny stones but that just behind the stone tossers is a sign written in a language that only i can read and its up to me to read it, remember it and transpose and that this, and ONLY this, is the reason i am alive. So far however i have turned my back and whined. Its getting past the stones that make me sleepy and useless. Im not really supporting myself "typical of young writers" like he thinks. I sort of write about him and i write about things that sting or move or settle inside me. But i write about me and i keep it. Its not difficult. Its peaceful. How can i make that transition? "I wont say that there is no such thing as a natural talent, but after working with many authors over the years, i can offer a few observations: having natural ability doesnt seem to make writing any easier (and sometimes it makes it more difficult); having all the feeling in the world will not ensure the effective communication of feeling on the pagel and finally, the degree of ones perserverence is the best predictor of success. It is some combination of ability and ego, desire and discipline, that produces good work. and a writers success or faltering can usually be traces to some abundance or deficit of thos elements." Hmmm...i will have to work on discipline. Maybe more Microsoft Word and less America Online...no? � 
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