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02.23.03 - 11:35 p.m. "you make me absolutely miserable. You make me want to hold my breath and wait and wait and wait. You make me want to never smile again and i want to hit you in the face, and kiss you too, hard enough so that i surprise you out of me, even for a moment. I want to lock you in the closet and feed you moldy bread and hot water until you break and ask me to hold you. i cant stand you, i cant fucking stand dressing up-matching eyeliner and tops and bras--all black and blue for you. i hate that. i plan my underwear arounf you and you dont even say goodbye to me and its another week and i think about you all the fucking time in the shower on the interstate on a pay phone. i add our names together and all i want is you-just to be with you, to listen to you cough, breathe, shift in your seat. I want to share space with you. You smoke and flirt with other girls and there are always other girls and me alone and you everywhere but here. I hate you so much and you tear me up and i dont know what to do with myself, how not to suffocate with you in my throat, in my lungs, in my hands, forearms, fingers and you everywhere and always and you fill me and turn to lead or ice. i depend on you and breathe you in and out and you leave and im breathless and scared and different and cold and your back as you walk away and im terrified because i cant remember what i am on the inside or what i will be when you melt yourself away. Youre it and everything to me, in me, about me. Youve slipped inside me and i filled me up, and i cant get you out or in and i never want to see you again and i want you right here. Inside, around, and in love with me." So, i was looking through my final for photography as a surefire form of procrastination and i found the above written over one pretty admirable and torn up picture of the love of my life and i felt chagrined that i had gotten all high and mighty over someones sappy journal entry when look at me! And, along with embarrassment and a bit of nervousness at my unabashed codependency, it amazes me how much i felt. How full of feeling i was then, how pregnant i was with him and us and the lack of us and when i read it i remember how much he was, how huge! Man, he broke me. And as terrible terrible as it was and as many times i prayed it would disappear, lisa is right, i do sort of miss it. Not him so much, but the expanse of his presence in my heart, that huge place that he inhabited EVERY bit of. Every bit of something infinite. � 
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