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10.08.02 - 12:12 a.m.

okay. obviously something needs to change. Right now my writing is in direct conflict with my bedtime. For all of you who know me, you can only imagine what a struggle this might be. I mean, really. Hmmm...spend two hours working on that difficult misogynistic character...OR...go to sleep. Im really gonna pick sleep everytime. Really. Plus, 8 at night is like the most ridiculous time ever to write bc, well, you know, its like Americas Time. 8 oclock is the quintessential Hour of Fun. Youre in the middle of a movie, must see tv, just eating dinner, all bathed and baby-warm...who wants to trudge away over whether you want John to die NOW or after he kidnaps the babies sister-in-law. Half of the time i look at the clock and its already 8:47 and my stomach drops like when linda used to drive me late to basketball practice on saturdays and id have to run suicides with the boys. Running suicides with Boys is NOT fun like it might sound to those of you anti athletic kids. Although Suicides with Boys would make a good girl band name i think. Anyway, the point is, now im tired and digging the idea of showering and climbing into my lovely bed. And really, i wonder, if this kind of writing is enough for me, in which case, HOLY SHIT, i have to reassess my life goals. I HAVE to write, yes, but in an all about me sense. I have to record things that happen, but i think i do it obsessively and it might not have anything to do with me as a "writer" anwyay. These kinds of things scare the shit out of me, truly. They make me just want to, like, throw my hands up in the air, voice a few choice words to the Great Decider of All Things Arbitrary and then lay down on the ground and throw a tantrum which i dont get to do AT ALL anymore. I wont go into the great disappointments as of late, but i will say that...things are vibrating, at a distance anyway. Speaking of Vibrators...also a good punk rock name, or maybe a short short title. And this...maybe im not creative at all. Everyone around me seems as if they are smarter than me, and i really dont say that in a self effacing way. I say it in that kind of way where you sort of humbly admit you only studied 15 minutes for the same test everyone else has been cramming over for weeks. I feel like i havent been doing all the right things. Nothing on track enough to be conservative and nothing off track enough to be liberal...just limping along. I feel like Jack from The Shining after hes hurt his leg and his limping after Danny screaming "Danny! Danny!" and Danny's, like, fucking scared as hell, even though jack is all torn up anyway and could never really catch him. Well, i cant remember why exactly i feel like jack besides the limping thing...but the point is, IM LIMPING for chrissakes, and everyone around me is nubile and tripping along at a fabulous, productive speed, and im like the once beloved-turned overlook creepy- friend who's chasing after them screaming "Danny! Danny! with that bat-thing that he took from Olive Oil. Obviously if youve never seen the movie, youd be confused. Obviously if youve seen the movie youd be confused. All im saying is that i used to be normal and now im scary and i have a limp ok? Tonight yielded no creative product. But i consider that ok bc its monday, i had a shitty interview, i am one cough away from strep and its a gorgeous fall night. Sleeping on the first cool night is PRIME sleeping weather and i know bc ive tested them all. Someone Give me An Answer in the form of a Complete Sentence. Please. Email me. Tonight, Right Now. Tommorrow, I Write. Tonight I Sleep.

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